


Shades of Purple

by star_moongi



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Normal High School, Bisexual Lance (Voltron), Canon Gay Relationship, Drama & Romance, Falling In Love, Gay Keith (Voltron), Gay Male Character, High School, Hurt Lance (Voltron), Insecure Lance (Voltron), Keith (Voltron) Angst, Keith/Lance (Voltron) Angst, Lance (Voltron) Angst, Love, M/M, Opposites Attract, Romance, Teen Angst, Teen Romance, Teenage Drama
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-25
Updated: 2017-05-15
Packaged: 2018-10-09 02:19:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 19
Words: 32,504
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10401549
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/star_moongi/pseuds/star_moongi
Summary: Lance McClain finds his safe haven and comfort online under the username blu97 on a messenger website called UniverseChat. There he meets a person under the username 1redrebel. Smart, charming, and having an amazing sense of humour, they pull Lance in immediately.But what he doesn't know is that the intriguing person behind the handle is someone that he could never imagine being with in a million years; Keith Kogane. An arrogant, impulsive, hot head at his school, who he doesn't exactly like.





	1. Shade One

1redrebel: hey

blu97: Hey

1redrebel: what’s up

blu97: nm, just hiding out in my room

1redrebel: lol why?

blu97: just wanna be alone, that’s all

1redrebel: shit, did something happen again?

blu97: I guess so... but it’s OK I don’t rlly wanna talk about it

1redrebel: ok, but if you ever need to, I’m always here k?

blu97: thx

1redrebel: so what’s up other than your fam annoying you

blu97: nm, just excited to talk to u, your life seems more interesting than mine anyways

1redrebel: not tru, my life’s boring af

1redrebel: but I guess today I did go skydiving off of the golden gate bridge, so...

blu97: holy shit seriously?? And how is that boring, that sounds so entertaining

1redrebel: lol it was a joke

blu97: yah Ik I’m not an idiot

1redrebel: u sure about that?

blu97: stfu 

1redrebel: lol anyway the most exciting part of my day is talking to you rn

blu97: glad u feel the same way

I stare at the screen, legs tucked up to my chest, heart beating loudly in my ears.  
blu97: so r u going to tell me what gender you are now or am I going to have to assume that you’re a robot

1redrebel: lol that was random

blu97: Ik but I’m genuinely curious, how come you won’t tell me?

1redrebel: just don’t think it’s important

1redrebel: ik you’re a guy, but does that rlly change our relationship?

I smile.

blu97: so this is a relationship now?

1redrebel: omg stop you’re making me blush

blu97: lol

1redrebel: I mean, it depends; what do you want this to be?

My fingers freeze on the keys. Shit, I never really thought about that. I mean, I do know that I like this person, and that I can see myself being with them in the future, but I don’t even know anything about them either. 

I lick my lips. 

blu97: I’m not sure, I know nothing about you. So how can this really go anywhere?

1redrebel: you’re right

blu97: ok…

1redrebel: alright, I’ll tell you one thing for now then. That way, you can slowly get to know me better

blu97: rlly? Cool

1redrebel: get ready...I’m about to do a gender reveal. Drum roll plz…

blu97: *whacks drums like a fucking maniac*

1redrebel: lol :) ok...I’m a dude  
My heart skips a beat. 

blu97: I kinda guessed :)

1redrebel: -.-

blu97: sorryyyy hahaha, but thanks for telling me, now I actually feel closer to you in some way

1redrebel: you’re not gonna try to distance yourself from me cuz you figured out I’m a guy? Wow, you’re a keeper

blu97: lol it’s not like I’m straight or anything ;)

1redrebel: thank god for that :D

blu97: :)

“Lance! Come downstairs, I need your help for a second!” I hear my dad call suddenly.

I groan, sitting up from my bed and perching my laptop on my knees. 

1redrebel: hey, can I tell you something?

blu97: sorry, is it important? Cuz I have to go help my dad with something

1redrebel: oh nvm then, it can wait, dw

blu97: ok ttyl

1redrebel: yeah, ok 

I frown at the screen.

blu97: u ok? You usually never send me off like that LOL

1redrebel: yah im fine, just was distracted for a sec, ttyl :)

blu97: ok bye :P

I sigh and close my laptop. 

So, he’s a boy huh? I smile happily to myself-that’s pretty fucking cool.


	2. Shade Two

“Lance? Hey Lance, are you listening? Helloooo, Earth to Lance?” 

I blink. “Huh? What? Yeah I like horses.” 

Katie stares at me blankly. “Dude, what is up with you today? You’ve been out of it since this morning.”

I pick at my salad, the sounds of the cafeteria, people talking, laughing, moving, eating swirl around me, but all I can think about is him. Every time he pops up in my mind I get distracted by this intense fluttering in my heart. Jesus, how can I even be attracted to a dude I’ve never seen before? Maybe because he’s perfect in every way, shape, and form. I just, I can’t get him out of my head. 

“He’s probably got a girlfriend that we don’t know about.” Hunk smirks, glancing up from his phone. 

“I don’t have a girlfriend Hunk.” I glare at him. He shrugs. 

“So why are you so out of it then? What could you possibly be thinking about other than the fact that I got the new Astral Warriors game on my PS4 today.” She brags between bites of her hot dog. I don’t think there’s ever been a moment where I’m around Katie and she’s not talking about her game console, same for Hunk, he’s so invested in his phone. Sometimes I swear he’s hacking websites with that thing. 

I sigh. “I’m just thinking about all the shit I have to do for my classes, it’s taking up my head space.”

“Nah, it’s definitely something else, I know you Lance, you don’t get that distracted because of homework...Hmm….Oh! You denied having a secret girlfriend, so do you have a secret boyfriend then?” She jabs her finger towards me. 

I feel my face turn red. “U-Uh, no, no, not at all.” 

Her mouth drops open. “Shit! I knew it! Oh my God! Who is he?” 

“I just said I don’t have one!”

“You’re lying! Your face always turns red when you lie!”

“Gah, can you lay off-”

Something crashes into the table next to us then, we all snap our heads towards the noise. 

“Get the hell off me dude!” Someone shouts. I glance over and notice that Keith is on top of him, his fist raised in the air, his other hand wrapped tightly around his collar. 

“Hey, get away from him!” A girl from the table stands up quickly and pushes Keith away. 

“This jackass bumped into me.” He hisses, pushing him backwards again. 

“Sorry, sorry, calm down man, I obviously didn’t mean to.” The guy protests. 

Keith gives him another scary glare but releases his grip, backing away slowly. Hunk holds up his phone, filming the whole thing. 

The cafeteria falls silent, everyone watching the altercation. I watch Keith carefully, why does he always feel the need to start fights with people for no reason? I find him so irritating, walking around like he owns the place just because he thinks he’s so tough or something-

His eyes land on me then and they soften slightly, but he turns away before I can figure out why. Everyone’s eyes follow him as he walks out. 

“Hey, are you OK?” The girl asks, helping the guy up who looks like he just stepped out of a traumatizing nightmare. 

“Jesus Christ, what the hell was that all about?” Katie whispers as the cafeteria erupts with life again. 

I take a sip of my orange juice. “Is it really a question anymore? The dude is clearly crazy.” 

“I got the whole thing on video guys, this is the seventh time I’ve caught Keith trying to beat someone up.” Hunk gushes happily. 

I frown at him. “Is this like your new hobby now?”

“Nah, it’s just entertaining.” 

Katie leans over his shoulder. “Can I watch?” 

I roll my eyes. “Why does he even do that shit anyways? It’s so annoying.”

“I think it’s because he’s always alone, maybe he wants attention?” She offers. 

“Or because he doesn’t have any parents. Remember they died when he was a kid? The reality of that fact can really affect a person physically, emotionally, and mentally, causing them to act irrationally in some situations.” Hunk replies. 

We stare at him blankly. 

“What? Did that not make sense or something?” He huffs. 

“No, no, I’m just surprised at how well worded it was.” I smile. 

“You dare underestimate my knowledge of extensive words peasant?” 

“OK, tone it down Hunk.” 

Katie crosses her arms. “Hey, we’re not done talking about your secret boyfriend you know,” 

“Oh yeah! Speaking of that, I really need to go now sooo…” I stand up.

“What, hey! Stop running from the truth Lance!” She hisses. 

“Uh, what was that? Sorry, I’m too far away, I can’t hear you!” I grin mischievously as I back up slowly from the table. To be honest, I guess I could tell Katie and Hunk about him, but I feel like I don’t know enough to do that. I want to get to know him better, and maybe then when I’m more comfortable I’ll tell them. 

**

When I get home, I immediately go up to my room and close the door. My siblings will be home soon, I just want some peace and quiet to myself before they arrive. I open my laptop, there’s already a message from him. My heart races as I open it. 

1redrebel: hi

blu97: hey, what’s up?

1redrebel: nm

blu97: You ok?

1redrebel: yah, just a rough day

blu97: wanna talk about it?

1redrebel: nah, rather just tell you another thing about me

blu97: k what is it

1redrebel: im not a good person

blu97: um...ok? Somehow I don’t believe that

1redrebel: you’re too trusting

blu97: why r u acting so weird?

1redrebel: i told you, rough day

blu97: and…? I asked if you wanted to talk about it and you said no, so I’m not rlly sure what you want me to do

1redrebel: right

blu97: can you tell me something else about yourself? Idc if you’re a bad person or a good person, I’ll accept you either way

1redrebel: see? You’re way too trusting, it’s annoying

blu97: what exactly do you want me to do? Push you away just because you tell me you aren’t good? I’m not that kind of person, and no one’s a good person anyways, we’ve all done shitty things

1redrebel: hm

blu97: you’re being so annoying dude 

1redrebel: sorry, just not rlly feeling good about myself rn

I sigh, staring at the screen. 

blu97: tell me, what’s on your mind?

1redrebel: it’s nothing, is it ok if I log out for now?

My heart sinks. 

blu97: but i’ve been waiting all day to talk to you

1redrebel: sorry im feeling tired

blu97: tell me something about yourself before u go then

1redrebel: k 

1redrebel: uh..i like you

I stare blankly at the screen for a long time. 

What? WHAT? Wait, is he serious? Where the hell did that even come from? I keep reading over the message trying to process everything; it’s real, it isn’t fake. God, type back already before he logs out you idiot! My hands shake as I reply. 

blu97: r u serious?

1redrebel: why would I lie?

blu97: um I like you too

1redrebel: lol you can’t see me right now, but im literally grinning like an idiot. Thx that just made my mood about 10,000 times better

blu97: what’s your name? Let’s at least tell each other that before we go

1redrebel: idk…

blu97: plz, my name’s Lance

1redrebel: ok...andrew

I smile. 

blu97: that’s a nice name

1redrebel: not as nice as Lance :) anyways, I’ll talk to u later ok? Will u be on?

blu97: yeah definitely :)

1redrebel: awesome, bye Lance

blu97: Bye Andrew :)

1redrebel has logged out. 

I close my laptop. Shit, did that just happen? I can’t believe that just happened, I’m freaking out! He likes me? Since when? And his name is Andrew? That’s-But why does that not seem true? I mean, I don’t want to deny that he told me the truth. But I just feel in my gut that that isn’t his real name. He could have told me anything that I wanted to hear, it’s so easy just to make up something like that on the spot. 

I shake my head. No, no, after all this I’m not going to doubt him. I trust him, I trust wherever this is going. 

My eyes close as I flop down onto my bed. 

Andrew...I wonder what he looks like?


	3. Shade Three

“Carmen, stop trying to shove food up your brother’s nose.” My mom snaps at my little sister. 

“He’s being annoying!” She whines. 

“No I’m not!” My little brother Emil whines, shoving a forkful of his spaghetti into her face. 

“Stop!” 

“Both of you stop!” My dad shouts then. 

Everyone quiets down, because no one wants to deal with my dad when he’s angry. I seriously hate these family dinners that we’re forced to have every night. My mom thinks it’s important for us to bond constantly and stay connected because family is one of the most important parts of life. But being forced to sit through my sibling’s constant arguing and the completely obvious tension between my father and my mother, has got to be the worst thing ever. 

Their relationship has been on the rocks for a long time now, then my mom suddenly got pregnant again and I thought things were OK, but there’s still something off between them. Not to mention, I haven’t come out as bi to my family yet. It’s not even that I’m scared, but I know that they’ll never accept me if I do; especially my dad. He’s so strict, to the point where it frightens all of us. 

I just, I don’t want to have to lose my relationship with Andrew because of him. He glances at me then, my heart jumps in my chest. 

“Are you keeping up with your marks at school?” He asks. 

“Yes,” I sigh. My dad thinks that intelligence is worth more than anything else, which I guess he is right in some sense. Intelligence is important, but it’s not all that matters. 

“If Lance was struggling, I’m sure he would tell us.” My mom speaks up then. She looks more tired than usual. I guess having to keep up with three children, having another one on the way, and arguing with my father constantly can really take it’s toll on someone. 

“It still doesn’t hurt to check up on him.” He replies. 

She cocks her head. “But when you do it so often, it tends to get annoying.” 

He gives her a long look, but doesn’t say anything back. The awkward tension rises and I feel like digging a hole and burying myself in it right there. This is why I hide out in my room so often, so I can escape from all of this. 

I stand up then. “Um, thanks for dinner.”

“Leaving so soon?” My dad asks as I head over towards the sink to put my plate away. “You spend a lot of time in your room these days, got a new girlfriend you aren’t telling us about?” He chuckles. 

My stomach sinks. “No, I’ve just been tired.” 

“Hm.” I feel his eyes boring into my back, I’m sure he can see right through me but I don’t care. I won’t tell him anything. 

He watches me as I walk back to head up the stairs, when I reach my room I close the door and release a long breath that I didn’t even realize I was holding. He’s suspicious of me, but I don’t know how else to act. 

But even if Andrew wasn’t involved in this, I still wouldn’t feel comfortable revealing anything to my parents. They pretty much fight over anything that has to do with me, because they expect so much from their oldest son. But I’m only one person, I can’t always make them happy. 

It’s just too much pressure sometimes. 

I sit down on my bed and open my laptop. When I talk to Andrew, all of that pressure goes away. I have no idea where he actually is, but when we talk it’s almost like I can feel his presence through the screen. It’s like he’s right in front of me in reality rather than virtually. I feel really at ease when I talk to him, he’s an escape for me. 

We’d first met about a year ago, one day after I’d come home from school. I was exhausted and feeling down, my parents had been up the night before arguing about something that kept me up all night listening. I had already been on UniverseChat before, it's a website where you can meet random people and talk to them about pretty much anything you want. I’d talked to a few people, but none of them really interested me or pulled me in. 

Then one day his username showed up in my message box. 

1redrebel: we've been making shades of purple out of red and blue

blu97: for him, you listen to Troye Sivan??

1redrebel: jesus christ, finally someone understands what I’m trying to say :D I’ve been spamming people’s mailboxes with that line from the song for days now

blu97: lol that’s cute, and yeah, that’s definitely one of the best parts of the song

1redrebel: is it really a coincidence that the only person that understood it has a username with the world blue in it while mine is red lol 

blu97: I don’t think it is :)

1redrebel: me either, nice to meet u blu97

blu97: nice to meet you too 1redrebel

From there everything unfolded into what it is now. My heart flutters when I remember what he told me earlier. I want to talk to him now, but he might not be on-

I see a green light beside his username. He is on, but should I say anything first? What if he’s talking to someone else and doesn’t want to be interrupted? Or is he still in a bad mood like he was earlier? 

I clench my teeth. Why does it even matter? Why am I so nervous? It’s like I don’t know how to act around him now that we both revealed our feelings to each other. Whatever, I force myself to type something, we’d agreed to talk later anyways. 

blu97: hey, everything good?

1redrebel: hey, yeah and why?

blu97: cuz you were down earlier so I was just making sure :)

1redrebel: ok and it’s cute when you care about me

I feel myself blushing. Ugh, I’m so pathetic. 

blu97: thanks :)

blu97: im actually curious tho, don’t get annoyed by this question, but what do you like about me?

1redrebel: lol i won’t get annoyed 

1redrebel: well you’re funny, I think you’re really sweet too and down to earth, so it’s easy to talk to u. Also, when we talk it’s like my mind's at ease, I can just let go and be myself, ur like my escape. 

blu97: wow, i feel the exact same way, that’s crazy

1redrebel: *blushing*

blu97: lol :D

blu97: i rlly want to meet you in real life

1redrebel: don’t think that’s a good idea

blu97: why not?

1redrebel: just too difficult, we prob live far from each other anyways…

blu97: so this is just gonna be an online relationship forever then?

1redrebel: that’s not what I meant, i just don’t think it’s a good idea rn that’s all

blu97: so what about in the future then? If you’re not comfortable rn

1redrebel: Lance stop, seriously

blu97: why do u always do this? Every time i wanna take the next step u always push me back. I get that ur prob not comfortable, but what do u have to be so afraid of? We know each other, we’ve been talking for almost a year. Is it the distance that’s a problem? You told me you live in America and so do I...we could try to arrange something…

1redrebel: i already said no, lay off  
My fingers freeze on the keys. What am I supposed to say back to that? The fact that he doesn’t want to meet me so badly, makes me feel horrible. 

I type back slowly. 

blu97: fine, ok sorry

1redrebel: im gonna go

blu97: don’t do that

1redrebel: do what?

blu97: log out when things get hard between us, u just run away

1redrebel: im not running away, i just don’t want to deal with this rn

A lump rises in my throat. 

blu97: it’s the same thing

1redrebel: i rlly don’t know what u want me to say

blu97: can i tell u something about myself

1redrebel: what

blu97: ur an escape for me too, so when you leave me hanging like this, it makes me feel trapped, confused, and doubtful about everything.

1redrebel: jesus

blu97: but do what u want, I can’t control your actions

1redrebel: why r u guilt tripping me now

blu97: im not, im just telling the truth. Something u never do

1redrebel: what the hell are u talking about? Where is this even coming from?

blu97: why don’t u want to see me so badly?

1redrebel: i already told u it’s too difficult. Can’t u emphasize with me and just leave it at that?

blu97: ur not even giving me a proper explanation. Saying it’s difficult doesn’t mean anything 

1redrebel: fine, u want the truth? 

blu97: yes

1redrebel: it’s cuz u won’t like what u see

blu97: that’s bull Andrew

1redrebel: it’s the truth and if u can’t accept it, then i shouldn’t have told u in the first place

blu97: don’t even be like that

1redrebel: im logging out

blu97: you’re so fucking annoying sometimes i swear

1redrebel has logged out. 

I groan, slamming my laptop closed. What the hell was that all about?


	4. Shade Four

Three days.

That’s how long I’ve gone without talking to him. My chest hurts every time I think about our fight. It’s the first major one we’ve ever had, but I guess we should have both expected this conversation to come up eventually. I pretty much did, that’s why I was prepared to have it; I just didn’t know he’d be so against it. 

Why would he think that I wouldn’t like him if ever saw him in reality? And then there’s the fact that he thinks he’s a bad person...I just don’t know what to think anymore. I feel like I’ve told him so much and he’s starting to open up and tell me more too, but I need more than that. I want to take the next step with him, but it’s like he’s hiding behind a wall and he’s too afraid to come out and face me. 

I feel close to him, but there’s just this barrier between us; I can feel it. I want to tear it down, that’s why I took such a huge leap in trying to meet up with him in real life, but that plan completely failed. I guess I should have thought it through better instead of just rushing into it though. He’s pretty secluded, I should have considered his feelings more. 

I groan. But he’s so stressful sometimes I swear! He tells me to emphasize with him but he can’t even emphasize with me and relate with what I’m going through. I don’t want to just have a relationship online with him forever and never get to see him face to face. It’s just not realistic, but I don’t want to push him into something he’s not OK with. I care about his feelings, I care about him, I want to respect his choices, but this time it’s just too hard. 

I stare up at the ceiling blankly. It’s night and everyone’s fast asleep except for me. I’ve been thinking non stop about our argument, my thoughts have completely pushed the idea of sleep out of my head. But I’m tired of lying around, sulking, and overthinking. I don’t want things to be like this anymore. 

I miss him, I just want everything to go back to normal. 

My tired body somehow moves to grab my laptop. It’s most likely he won’t be on this late, but I still want to send him something to put my mind at ease. When I log on, I notice that his username is green. My heart jumps; he’s on? 

I suck in a deep breath and force myself to type him a message. 

blu97: hey

He replies back almost immediately. 

1redrebel: hey, feeling ok?

blu97: yah im fine, why?

1redrebel: we haven’t talked in awhile, just making sure

blu97: k thanks

I clench my teeth. 

blu97: um i missed u

1redrebel: i missed u too

blu97: ...im sorry for everything, i shouldn't have tried to force u into something ur uncomfortable with

1redrebel: it’s ok Lance

1redrebel: trust me, it killed me to have to say no to u, but im just not in a good place rn..im just not ready to see u yet. I want to so badly, u have no idea, but i can’t rn im sorry

blu97: it’s fine Andrew, don’t stress about it. I don’t want u to feel conflicted in any way, just take your time OK?

1redrebel: thank u for understanding 

blu97: no problem, i could never stay mad at u anyways lol 

1redrebel: ha i feel the same way trust me, you’re just not someone a person could stay upset at. You just want the good things in life, u never have bad intentions. That’s what i love about u, but it’s also what im jealous about too 

blu97: you said love ...

1redrebel: lol ik... i typed the message :,D

1redrebel: but yeah...there’s a lot of things i love about u Lance

blu97: hnng dude stop r u tryna give me a heart attack

1redrebel: whoa sorry lol 

blu97: no no it’s ok im just so not used to this, that’s all

blu97: but thank u so much for telling me that. blu97: i wanna say my L word to u whenever we see each other sometime in the future tho, I want to see ur reaction :)

1redrebel: probably intense blushing, my face gets rlly red when im flustered

blu97: sounds cute lol

1redrebel: it’s not, trust me 

blu97: no matter what u look like, i’ll accept u either way

1redrebel: thanks :)

blu97: how do u send kisses over a screen

1redrebel: pfft

blu97: stop laughing at me, i rlly want to kiss u and there’s no way i can do it online like this

1redrebel: u can save that for the future too then :)

blu97: haha can’t wait :)

blu97: lol ok im feeling a lot better about everything and now im completely exhausted, so Im gonna head to bed ok?

1redrebel: ok have sweet dreams 

blu97: ttyl :)

blu97 has logged out.

 

1redrebel: i wish i could tell u who i rlly am Lance

1redrebel: but i see the way u look at me at school. You look at me the exact same way everyone else does. I’m pathetic, violent, ignorant, lost. But i don’t know how else to act, because i don’t know who i am anymore. 

1redrebel: one day when im stronger though, i’ll show u ok? Plz don’t leave me when i do, i don’t want to lose you...you’re the only good thing i have left in my life.

Messages have been deleted by 1redrebel.

1redrebel has logged out.


	5. Shade Five

I can barely keep my eyes open today.

Note to self, never go to bed at 4:00 am on a school night; ever. Having to concentrate on a boring chem lesson and focus on a lab report is completely impossible when you’ve had literally only two hours of sleep. Not to mention I was scolded by my dad this morning for looking “too tired” because I need my rest if I want to be successful in school. Then there was also the fact that my siblings were being extra annoying by trying to throw their breakfast at each other which put my mom into instant rage quit mode. 

God, I seriously don’t know how I survive in that family everyday-

“Lance?” My teacher, Mrs. Baxis’ voice slips into my conscious then. 

I blink in a daze. “Huh? What?” 

“I asked you a question, what did you put down for your observations during the lab?” She asks impatiently. 

“Oh, um,” I scramble to find the chart under my mess of notes, but I can’t seem to find it for some reason. “Shit, shit, um I don’t know where it is, but I just had it-” 

“Please come to class prepared next time Mr. McClain.” She interrupts me, moving onto another student. 

I sulk in my chair. Fuck, I didn’t think this day could get any worse and it did. My eye catches Keith then who’s looking at me from the front of the classroom. I shoot him a glare, what the hell is he staring at? He’s more of a slacker than I am. 

He looks down then turns away. I clench my teeth, everything is pissing me off today. 

When class is dismissed, I trudge to my locker to put my things inside, then pull out my phone to check if I have any messages from Katie or Hunk. There’s one from Katie.

Yo, we’re in the library come down soon. 

I smirk and type back: OK. 

“Fuck, look at her ass. This picture is golden dude, how did you snap it while you were fucking her?” I overhear someone ask then. I glance over and notice that it’s a large group of guys that I’ve seen around the school sometimes, but have never really acknowledged. Who the hell are they talking about though? And why do they have to be so explicit about it?

“Just gotta have good timing that’s all.” Another guy smirks proudly. “Only reason I even fucked her is ‘cause of her ass, other than that her face is ugly as shit.” 

They erupt in laughter, I cringe. He sounds like an idiot. 

“Yo send it to all of us dude.” His other friend grins. 

“Yeah sure man, I’ve already sent it to a few of the guys on my team.” 

I grit my teeth. 

“But I got so many other pictures though, this isn’t even the best one. Girls are so fucking easy nowadays I swear.” He says. 

“Hey,” I slam my locker and stalk towards them. “Do you think that what you’re doing is OK? You’re invading their privacy by doing that.” 

The guy cocks his head at me. “Who the fuck do you think you’re talking to faggot?” His group snickers at me. 

My stomach sinks. “What the hell did you just call me?” 

“Wo-ho, getting tough now? Just shut the fuck up and mind your business, I’m not in the mood to fuck with anyone right now.” He dismisses me, but I don’t back down. 

“I said, what the fuck did you just call me?” I hiss. 

“Fuck off dude, seriously.” 

I push him backwards, my anger rising. “Who the hell do you think you are jackass!” 

He grabs my shirt and slams me hard back against the lockers, knocking the air out of my lungs. “You don’t want to fuck around with me right now seriously.” He spits. 

I push him backwards again and he charges back quickly, striking me in the face. His friends cheer and laugh loudly as I’m knocked over, hitting my head on the floor. Shit, that hurt a lot. I’ve never gotten into a fight before, but this guy’s an asshole, he deserves to be put in his place. 

I’m about to stand up again but he kicks me hard in the stomach and grabs my hair, clasping it tightly in his hands. “Fucking faggot, know your place.” He hisses and punches me again. Dammit. My vision’s starting to blur, I thinking I’m gonna pass out-

Everything goes by really fast then. The guy is knocked over abruptly, and I drop to the floor, spitting up blood. Shit, everything’s going black. I glance over and notice that someone is on top of him, but I can’t make out who they are. 

“You piece of shit!” They shout, but I’m starting to zone out. “Fucking hurt him and I’ll kill you, I swear I’ll kill you!” 

“Hey man, get the fuck off him he can’t breathe!” Is the last thing I hear before I completely black out. 

**

I wake up in a hospital room, my head pounding, my eyelids heavy. The doctor informs me that the blows to my head during the altercation caused me to lose consciousness, but luckily they were able to tend to me before anything serious happened. There’s a bandage above my eye and I can still taste blood in my mouth, but other than that I guess I feel OK. 

My parents listen closely to what he tells them afterwards. My dad glances over at me occasionally; there’s anger behind his eyes. 

I’m released from the hospital a few hours later. Before I leave the doctor tells me that I have to take it easy for the rest of the day because I’m still unstable. But how can I take anything easy when the tension in the car between everyone is so strong? 

“What the hell got into you today?” My dad speaks up suddenly. “Getting involved in a fight, what were you thinking?” 

“The guy was sending pictures of naked girls around, I had to do something about it. That isn’t OK.” I look out the window, lost in thought. 

“It had nothing to do with you.” He states firmly.

“But I overheard what they were doing, was I just supposed to stand around and do nothing about it?” I argue. 

“You don’t want to get involved with people like that, especially when it has to do with fighting. It could lead to suspension or expulsion, and you know universities don’t want to see that on your transcript. You need to think about your future Lance.” 

I clench my teeth. “Why is it always about academics with you-” 

“Lance, stop.” My mom interferes then. 

I give her a look but don’t say anything back, I don’t have the energy. It’s not like they would listen to me anyways. It’s all about what they want, nothing else. My opinion doesn’t even matter. That’s why I can’t even come out to them, because they wouldn’t accept something that they see as unacceptable. They want me to be straight and marry some beautiful girl who has a good education and future ahead of her. If I ever told them that I was in love with a guy that I’ve never even met before, they’d most likely disown me immediately. 

It just fucking sucks. 

When we get home, I go up to my room immediately and close the door. My head is killing me, I need to lie down. I pull out my phone, there’s a lot of messages from Hunk and Katie, but I don’t feel like responding back to them right now. 

I log onto UniverseChat; he’s online. 

blu97: hey :)

1redrebel: Lance, hi

blu97: ha... i got beat up pretty badly at school today

1redrebel: ...

blu97: i got into a fight, i was trying to put a guy in his place but it kinda backfired on me lol

My stomach sinks again when I remember. 

blu97: ...he called me a faggot

1redrebel: fuck

blu97: but i don’t rlly know what i was expecting getting involved with him anyways, but i felt i needed to help...he was doing something wrong, i needed to stop him

1redrebel: why the hell would u put yourself in harm’s way like that?

blu97: i already told u why

1redrebel: but u don’t seem to realize how serious this is, u can’t just fucking do shit like that Lance

blu97: hey calm down alright? im fine

blu97: and someone helped me out too, but idk who it was cuz i blacked out before i could get a good look

1redrebel: ok and what if that person wasn’t around? You wouldn’t have been able to defend yourself, fuck

blu97: how do u know i wouldn’t have been able to defend myself? im pretty strong ok

1redrebel: why r u not getting the point

blu97: bcuz im not a fucking weakling, i can defend myself. Jesus christ what do u think i am? A damsel in distress? 

1redrebel: i just don’t want you to get hurt, ever. I need to know that you’re safe

blu97: ok i get it, im sorry

1redrebel: promise me you won’t get into another fight

blu97: i can’t promise that, if someone needs my help, im going to defend them. No matter what

1redrebel: Lance

blu97: ik im not the strongest, but if i can do something, ill do it ok? 

1redrebel: fuck why r u so difficult

blu97: idk...but u still love me tho :)

1redrebel: yah, i do, which is why i don’t want u looking for trouble like this

blu97: i’ll be fine, dw 

1redrebel: *sigh* 

blu97: my head is killing me

1redrebel: hey u shouldn’t be online right now, u need to rest

blu97: ur right i just rlly wanted to talk to u

1redrebel: well u did, so plz rest. Im worried about u

blu97: ill be fine, seriously dw

1redrebel: how can u tell me not to worry, i literally think about u every waking second of the day

1redrebel: that’s embarrassing but i felt like it was necessary to admit rn

blu97: you’re so adorable i swear, but seriously, im fine. Plz relax, for me 

1redrebel: ok...i’ll try

blu97: great :)

1redrebel: anyways...i love you

blu97: still saving mine :) but ttyl ok?

1redrebel: of course, ttyl 

blu97 has logged out. 

 

 

1redrebel has logged out.


	6. Shade Six

When my parents allow me to go back to school after keeping me at home for an unnecessary amount of time to recover, I’m immediately bombarded with questions by Katie and Hunk about my fight. 

“Tell us everything, how did it all start? And why were you avoiding my texts, I need details man.” She pesters me. 

“Is it weird that I heard you two were fighting over his girlfriend?” Hunk asks curiously then. 

I give them both a flat look, my head seriously starting to hurt. “Jeez guys, I literally just came inside five seconds ago, can you chill out?” 

Katie bites her lip, holding onto the straps of her bag tightly which is what she does when she’s excited. “Sorry, but this has literally never happened to you before, you can’t blame me for being interested. And we’re not gonna be the only ones wondering what happened today.” 

I tap my locker door in thought, the loud crowd of students heading towards their classes suddenly distracting. “I guess you’re right,” 

“OK then c’mon, tell us, we’re literally on our toes.” She urges again. I shoot her a glare, but soon give in.

“I just overheard the guy I’d fought with talking about sending naked pictures of some girls around to some of his friends, and I thought it was wrong, so I had to say something about it. Then when I approached him, he called me a faggot-” I start but Hunk quickly interrupts me. 

“What?” He snaps. “He called you a what?” 

“A faggot Hunk.” 

He clenches his teeth. “I swear to God, that dude is so lucky he’s suspended or I’d go find him and kick his ass right now.” 

Katie smirks. “Yeah right Hunk, you’re way too soft.”

“I’m only soft when it doesn’t involve my best friend.” 

She rolls her eyes. 

“So he got suspended huh? I’m kind of surprised I didn’t, since I insinuated the fight in the first place.” I chuckle. 

“I heard someone told the principal what happened, because they’d witnessed everything, so I’m pretty sure they saved your butt. I mean, you were doing what was right after all, you didn't deserve to get in trouble.” She replies. “Oh! But I also heard that Keith was suspended for some reason too.” 

I frown. “Keith?” 

“Oh yeah, I heard that too.” Hunk says. “I think my friend Adam said that he’d actually defended you during the fight, claims he saw the whole thing. Apparently he was choking the guy really hard, like to the point where he almost passed out.”

I stare at them blankly. What the hell are they talking about? This isn’t true right?

“Why’d he get suspended though?” Katie asks curiously. “He was just helping him out.” 

“I think he went too far, there’s a huge difference between defending someone and almost killing someone by trying to defend them-”

“Wait, are you guys sure this is even serious? I mean, this is Keith we’re talking about. Why would he of all people defend me.” I laugh hysterically. 

Katie shrugs, looking disinterested. “Who knows what was going through his head man, he’s pretty impulsive. And he’s not an asshole, if he sees someone getting hurt, he’s most likely going to help them like a normal person would.” 

I frown to myself. I mean, I get that, but I don’t know, something about it just seems so weird. Keith isn’t the type of person to defend someone, that’s just not who he is. From the first moment he came into this school, he’d given himself a reputation as someone who only thinks of himself and no one else. He walked in not caring about what anyone thought of him and what he did, and for some reason that just rubbed me the wrong way. Maybe it was because I envied him in some way, he wasn’t afraid to be himself unlike me. 

For some reason everything about him just irritated me. 

It irritated everyone, which is why so many people distanced themselves from him. But if anything, he distanced himself from us. I don’t think he cares about anyone here, because he knows how they feel about him. People have made it pretty clear how fed up they are with how he acts. I see the way they look at him when he passes them in the hall, I hear the things they say about him behind his back. It’s like it’s just easier to hate him or something, because he’s so different from everyone else. He’s just another odd one out in this twisted place known as high school. Except, he decides to make himself more prevalent by constantly acting up and starting shit with people. 

I just don’t get why he chooses to draw so much attention to himself; I don’t get why he defended me. 

The first bell to class rings, I close my locker ready to leave when I feel Katie’s hand on my shoulder. “Hey, if anyone tries to offend you again, you can call us alright? We’ve been close since middle school, we care about what happens to you. We’re not gonna let anyone disrespect you like that again.” 

I smile at her. “Thanks, means a lot.” 

“Aww I wanna hug you.” Hunk gushes, trying to reach for me. 

“Nope.” I push him away. 

“See?” Katie laughs. “Soft.” 

**

blu97: afternoon :)

1redrebel: i missed u

blu97: same, trust me

1redrebel: r u feeling better?

blu97: yeah a lot better...but there’s something on my mind

1redrebel: tell me

blu97: there was a guy at my school who defended me during the fight, remember I told you? But it’s someone that I wouldn’t have expected in a million years to do something like that for me you know? I just think it’s weird…

1redrebel: heh, maybe he likes you

blu97: hey this isn’t a joke, seriously. Why do you think he would have done that?

1redrebel: it’s most likely because he saw you were in trouble and prob felt you needed his help, it’s just a natural instinct 

blu97: right...but i mean apparently he almost killed the guy and then he got suspended, and i hate to admit it but i actually feel kinda bad? 

blu97: i don’t exactly like him, but what he did for me was nice. Do u think I should thank him whenever he comes back from his suspension?

1redrebel: idk if that’s a good idea...he seems too violent. You should probably stay away from him

blu97: im not scared of him Andrew

blu97: and what the hell’s he going to do if i thank him? Punch me in the face?

1redrebel: no...but still

blu97: r u jealous or something?

1redrebel: no, i just don’t think u should go near him that’s all

blu97: hmm....well we’ll see what happens when the time comes i guess, im not rlly sure about anything rn

blu97: anyways, i was thinking about u last night

1redrebel: glad im not the only one

1redrebel: what were u thinking about?

blu97: what it would be like to have sex with u

1redrebel: Lance…

1redrebel: why were u thinking about that

blu97: idk, i just keep thinking about how beautiful you probably are and what it would be like to have my first time with you

1redrebel: dude...this is so random

blu97: what? Is it weird that im thinking about this, i mean, we are dating aren’t we?

1redrebel: oh yeah...guess we never confirmed that did we

blu97: it’s ok i didn’t need it to be confirmed, it’s pretty obvious

1redrebel: lol i love you

blu97: :)

blu97: so r u trying to say you’ve never thought about what it would be like to have sex with me?

1redrebel: ...idk it’s just too embarrassing to admit lol

blu97: guess it’s kind of hard to think or imagine it when u don’t even know what i look like

1redrebel: right…

blu97: do u want me to send u a pic?

1redrebel: of your face?

blu97: i can show you more if you’d like ;)

1redrebel: *intense blushing*

blu97: so what do u want? Face or more?

1redrebel: um idk...i don’t think im prepared for any rn

blu97: lol i love how innocent u r 

blu97: ok im gonna take one, prepare yourself

1redrebel: christ…

blu97 has sent a photo

1redrebel: holy shit

1redrebel: I’m seriously speechless Lance

1redrebel: You’re actually so beautiful holy shit

blu97: lol thx but you have no idea how awkward it is trying to take a naked picture of yourself alone like this, thank god no one’s home lol 

1redrebel saved a photo you sent. 

blu97: DID YOU SAVE THE PICTURE

1redrebel: YEAH WAS I NOT SUPPOSED TO

blu97: lol no i just find that so funny for some reason

blu97: what r u even going to do with it?

1redrebel: im not telling u

blu97: ugh fine...im just glad u like it

1redrebel: i love it

blu97: can u send me one of yourself? You don’t have to show your face if you’re uncomfortable...i just want to see ur body at least is that OK? 

1redrebel: um yeah...I guess that’s fine

1redrebel has sent a photo

blu97: *currently having a nosebleed*

blu97: DUDE YOU’RE FUCKING RIPPED OMG YOU COULD BE A MODEL

blu97: like seriously those abs 

1redrebel: im starting to think u like my abs more than u like me lol

blu97: hey trust me, the other parts look good too

1redrebel: jeez Lance stop, you’re making me blush

blu97: im sorry did you say something? Im too busy imagining what it would be like to kiss your body and give it love bites

1redrebel: im actually getting turned on by a message...is that weird…

blu97: nah i think it’s hot :)

I save the photo.

1redrebel: lol what r u even gonna do with it

blu97: im not telling ;)

1redrebel: dammit, my own words have been used against me, curses

blu97: lol :D

1redrebel: but seriously though Lance, you’re perfect, i think i fell further in love with u bcuz of that pic. But it’s not just the picture, it’s everything, i seriously love everything about you and this isn’t even an exaggeration. 

blu97: thank you so much for that Andrew, seriously :) god, i want to tell you my L word so much rn

blu97: but u don’t have to say i love you to say i love you right :) even if i don’t say it right now, plz know that I do OK? I really do, I just want to tell you face to face

1redrebel: of course, i wouldn’t ever doubt that

blu97: *kisses*

blu97: i couldn’t wait to do that in the real world, sorry

1redrebel: it’s fine, it’s kinda what we have to do anyway lol

1redrebel: but can you imagine this?

blu97: what?

1redrebel: im with you, we’re under these bright, beautiful stars, everything is quiet except for our breaths between each other and our song playing softly in the background. My hands r in your hair, your lips are against mine, im trying to taste every last bit of you, im trying to feel every last part of you

1redrebel: I want you so badly right now. 

blu97: I’m crying

1redrebel: I wish I could wipe your tears


	7. Shade Seven

I wish he could too; because I can’t stop crying right now. 

My parent’s fighting is getting worse. At first it was just hushed arguments in their bedroom behind a closed door that I could hear through the walls, but now it’s just full out screaming. They don’t even try to hide it around us anymore, even though they know how much it affects everyone; especially Emil. 

He’s so young, he doesn’t even know what’s going on. Whenever they shout too loudly, he starts crying because he’s confused. And Carmen doesn’t know how to handle it either, it’s all up to me. I’m the one who has to constantly assure them that everything will be OK even though I know it won’t be. 

“Do you think mommy and daddy still love each other?” Emil had asked me one night. 

“Why are they always fighting?” Carmen asked next. 

I didn’t know what to tell them. The look on their faces made me want to lie, so that I could spare their feelings. Except it also made me want to tell the truth, but I just couldn’t. So I told them not to worry, because that’s all I can do, ease their pain a little. 

Except, I don’t have anyone to ease mine. 

I have him, but he’s not here to physically comfort me, and I don’t like to bother Katie and Hunk with my problems, no matter how many times they tell me I can console in them. It’s just easier to keep everything to myself; but it’s also the hardest thing to do as well. 

I feel so alone, it’s suffocating just sitting in my own room. 

blu97: Andrew 

He’s not even online right now, but I need him so badly. 

I squeeze my eyes closed. Please come online, please come online, please-I open them again, but his username is still red. 

My stomach drops. I pull up his picture then and stare at it blankly. He sent this to me last week and all I’ve done is stare at it, admire him, take in every part of him. 

I just want him. 

My eyes graze the photo as I put my hands tentatively into my pants, it feels sensitive. I bite my lip as I rub slowly, imagining that it’s him. That he’s here pleasing me, comforting me, making me feel better about everything. 

I close my eyes, my body trembling as my hand moves faster. 

“Andrew,” I moan quietly. My heart races as I gradually reach my climax, tilting my head backwards when it comes. I pant softly as I look down at my hand, it’s shaking slightly, there’s so much all over it. 

I hang my head, my heart racing in my ears. That felt really good...God, why am I so pathetic? 

After I clean up, I check my laptop again; he’s online. 

1redrebel: hey are you ok? 

Tears gather back quickly in my eyes. 

blu97: i missed u so much

1redrebel: is everything alright? 

blu97: no...but when is it ever you know? 

1redrebel: what’s going on, talk to me

blu97: it’s just my parents

blu97: they’re fighting more and more now, i don’t know what to do anymore

blu97: and my siblings r getting worried too...i try to comfort them, but i don’t know what’s going to happen. Im just so fucking scared

1redrebel: jesus lance im so sorry

blu97: it’s fine, im just so lonely you know? Idk im sorry

1redrebel: hey im always here for you alright? Don’t ever feel sorry talking to me

blu97: but you’re not always here

blu97: you’re only here for me when you’re online, when we’re not talking, im alone and scared again

blu97: ik it’s not your fault, but that’s just how it is

1redrebel: Lance, seriously? 

blu97: it’s the truth, when we both log out after this, where am i going to be? 

blu97: just back in the same place...but im asking for too much as usual, you can’t be online forever

1redrebel: im sorry

blu97: it’s ok, it isn’t your fault, im the one who should be sbrru

blu97: sorry*

blu97: im sorry im crying so hard rn i can’t even type properly, sorry

1redrebel: fuck

1redrebel: don’t do this to me Lance

1redrebel: i hate when you’re sad, because i can’t be there to comfort you

1redrebel: plz smile for me ok

blu97: i’ll try

1redrebel: ik it’s hard rn, but plz be happy

1redrebel: i’d honestly die to have what u have rn 

blu97: fighting parents? R u insane?

1redrebel: i just meant parents in general

blu97: shit, im so sorry andrew

1redrebel: it’s fine, im used to it lol

1redrebel: but ik the fighting is stressful and it’s putting a lot on your shoulders, but plz have faith in them ok? Don’t give up on them, just trust that they'll work things out

blu97: i love how u see the positive side in everything

1redrebel: i have to or i’d always be down 

1redrebel: r u feeling a tiny bit better?

blu97: yes, no matter how long, talking to u always makes me feel better :)

1redrebel: awesome, im glad :) 

blu97: ...hey can i tell u a secret?

1redrebel: lol sure

blu97: i masturbated to ur pic

1redrebel: …

1redrebel: damn, i wish i was around to see that

blu97: lol dork

1redrebel: :D

1redrebel: oh and u weren’t the only one trust me ;)

blu97: JJDKSKSK

blu97: im hyperventilating

blu97: ok be honest, how many times have u done it?

1redrebel: ah jeez this is way too embarrassing to admit 

blu97: oh come on, i did it once (so far lol)

1redrebel: once? Jesus Lance, you’re so innocent

blu97: WHAT

blu97: WELL HOW MANY TIMES DID U DO IT THEN?

1redrebel: ….

1redrebel: eight

blu97: IM SCREAMING, SERIOUSLY? JUST IN THE LAST WEEK?

1redrebel: YES OK STOP MAKING FUN OF ME YOU’RE HOT ALRIGHT

blu97: IM LAUGHING SO HARD I CAN’T BREATHE

1redrebel: HOW IS THAT EVEN FUNNY

blu97: IT’S FUCKING HILARIOUS 

1redrebel: ugh you know what, whatever, im just glad that you’re smiling again

blu97: LOL :)

blu97: thx for always being the one to make me smile

1redrebel: no problem, no matter what, im always here for you ok? I know I can’t always be online, but whenever i am, im always here to talk

1redrebel: you can vent, rant, swear idc, i’ll sit here all night and read it, bcuz i love u no matter what and im always here to support u

blu97: <3

blu97: you’re fucking amazing, seriously

1redrebel: :D

blu97: oh by the way, i think the guy that defended me a while back might be coming back to school tomorrow; and I’ve decided im gonna thank him

blu97: He deserves it for helping me, bcuz rlly if it wasn’t for him, i would have been a lot worse after that fight

1redrebel: idk Lance…

blu97: ok seriously, not this again...plz respect my decision dude, it’s not like we’re gonna be besties after this anyway lol

1redrebel: *sigh* 

1redrebel: ok fine, do what you want

blu97: alright, thank you

1redrebel: a huh

blu97: ok i think im gonna go, im feeling kinda tired

1redrebel: ok, i love you

blu97: ttyl <3

I sigh, lying down and closing my eyes. 

The overbearing darkness creeps back into my system as I slowly drift off to sleep.


	8. Shade Eight

The next morning my mom drops me off to school with my siblings. I can’t ignore the overwhelming feeling of guilt burrowing in my stomach when I sit beside her. She has everything so rough and stressful right now, and I’m the only one acting like I’m in pain. I want to help her, but I don’t know how to.

I just feel so useless these days. 

As I climb out of the car, she grabs my hand. I look back at her, her eyes look sad and desperate. “Hey, Lance, I’m really sorry about all of the fighting these days. Your dad and I have just been in a really rough place recently, but we’re trying to work it out, I promise.” 

“I-It’s fine mom, you don’t have to worry or feel sorry about anything.” I reply, averting my eyes to the ground. 

“But I do,” She sighs, letting go of my hand. “You’re the one who takes the heaviest blow from all of this.” 

I glance over at Carmen and Emil who are staring at me from the back seat. “I’m not the only one, we all are. But we’ll get through this together.” I feel myself lying through my teeth.

“Of course, I’m glad you understand.” She makes an attempt at smiling, but it’s weak and unmotivated. 

“I’ll see you later OK?” I close the door carefully. She nods, waving at me as she drives off. 

I stand in the parking lot for a while, not really sure what I’m doing. My mind is blank but also full at the same time, it’s so stressful. I don’t know where I stand anymore.

My feet eventually carry me into the school and I see Katie and Hunk hanging by my locker as they usually do in the mornings when they wait for me. 

“Lance,” Katie shoves her phone into my face. “Have you seen the new Destiny two trailer? It looks fucking amazing,” 

I force myself to smile. “You know I don’t play video games right?”

“Yeah, I know, but everyone has heard of Destiny at least once, I mean it’s so popular dude. You should come over and play it with me sometime, we can also play Overwatch, I think you’d like that too.” She rambles on, but I’m barely listening. 

Hunk tilts his head at me. “You OK Lance?”

“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine.” I quickly brush him off so he doesn’t become suspicious. I still don’t want them knowing about what’s going on at home. 

He nods slowly, but I can tell he doesn’t believe me. 

“Um,” I try to divert the attention, “have you guys seen Keith around by any chance?” 

Katie glances up from her phone, Hunk raises his brow. “Keith?” They both ask in unison. 

“Yeah, I just wanted to um, thank him for helping me the other day, that’s all.” I clear my throat. 

Katie looks at Hunk. “Um, I think he might be back from his suspension, that’s what I heard at least. But uh, you’re actually going to thank him? I mean, it makes sense, but this is seriously so out of character for you dude.” 

I cross my arms. “Look, I know that alright? But I think he atleast deserves a thank you...Except if he’s not here now, I guess I can just tell him in Chemistry. It’s not that big of a deal.” 

Hunk pokes me. “Aww is Lance developing a widdle crush on Keef.” He teases. 

“Ew, gross, no, that’s disgusting.” I cringe. “I’m just thanking him, that’s all. Calm down.” 

He chuckles. “OK, whatever you say.” 

Katie snickers and I blush. 

“Can you guys stop? I don’t like him OK?” I grab my books from my locker and stalk off, feeling really embarrassed. I can’t believe they’d ever think that I like Keith, he’s not even my type. He’s so emo and has a horrible fashion sense, and his hair, ugh, don’t even get me started on his hair. If I didn’t have a sense of self control, I would have cut it for him myself a long time ago. Mullets are not in fashion my dude. 

I decide to go to the washroom before I head to my first period class, my stomach suddenly really hurts. I guess it’s just because I’m nervous, but why am I? This is Keith were talking about, who cares? I sigh, it’s most likely because I’ve never made an attempt at talking to him before because I’m always trying to stay away-

I slam into someone leaving the washroom then. My books drop as I lose my balance and topple forwards onto them. 

“Shit, shit, I’m so sorry.” I scramble off quickly and grab my things. When I get a good look at the person, my head explodes. Fuck; it’s Keith. Dammit, why God, why this, why now? He sits up, a blush slowly creeping up onto his neck and face. 

“It’s fine,” He mutters as he stands up. We stand awkwardly in front of each other for a long time before someone pushes past us to get into the washroom. 

“Sorry,” I mumble as I move out of the way for them. “Um,” Keith tries to get past me then to leave, but I grab his arm instinctively. He looks back at me in surprise. I just noticed how nice his eyes are, they’re like a charcoal colour. I can imagine someone easily getting lost in them. “Wait, do you mind if I talk to you for a second?” 

He studies me for a long time, looking unsure, but eventually nods. “Sure, yeah.” 

“Alright,” I lead him into the hall. “Um, I’ll make this really quick, but uh, thank you for helping me that day during the fight. I, um, I really appreciated it, thank you.” Jesus what the hell is this, I sound like a girl in an anime trying to confess to their crush. 

He doesn’t say anything back right away, making me feel uncomfortable. I can feel people’s eyes on us, but what exactly was I expecting? People don’t just voluntarily talk to Keith like this. I glance up at him, his eyes are settled softly on my lips.

I blush. “Um, Keith?” 

“Oh, yeah, of course, no problem.” He looks away quickly, an awkward look covering his face. “It really doesn’t matter, don’t worry about it.” 

I blink at him. “It doesn’t matter?” Why does that annoy me for some reason?

“Yeah, it wasn’t a big deal.” 

“Oh...OK.” 

Awkward silence falls upon us again, making me feel even more uncomfortable than before. Why is he acting like this literally means nothing to him? I mean, Hunk told me that he almost killed this guy, that has to mean something right? Or do I want to make myself seem more important in this situation than I really am? It’s like I need hm to see me as something more valuable than just some pathetic, helpless guy that needed his help. I don’t want him to look down on me. 

I’m not the pathetic one here, he is. It’s not like he’s some kind of hero; he isn’t better than me. I clutch my books tightly. Why do I always get like this when it comes to him? He just irritates me so much, even when he does something good. I just can’t find anything about him to like. 

We make eye contact again. Why do I envy him so much? Why do I feel like I should hate him? 

I take in a deep breath, deciding it’s better not to say anything else to him so that I can maintain my composure. So I turn and walk away, ignoring the fact that his eyes are still on me. Ignoring the fact that I could never be better than someone I dislike so much. 

Ignoring how pathetic and horrible I feel once again. Acting and feeling like an asshole towards someone who only wanted to help me in the end. But, we all have emotions that are too complicated to understand sometimes. 

Except there’s one thing I know now for sure-

I really, really hate myself. 

 

**

I sit in my room later that day, feeling numb and confused.

He’s online, but I can’t even bring myself to talk to him. I stare at the message he sent me. 

1redrebel: hey :)

Why does looking at it make me want to cry? I just, I don’t understand. Why am I feeling like this?

 

I don’t understand why my fingers are moving to reply back to him, I don’t even know what I’m going to say-

blu97: i love you

I read the message to myself. I thought I wanted to say this to him when I saw him? A lump rises in my throat, I did, but it’s because I already know that I’m never going to see him. I just don’t want to have to say it before it’s too late.

I send it. 

1redrebel: I thought you were waiting to say that ? 

blu97: changed my mind 

1redrebel: oh...r u ok?

blu97: no

1redrebel: what’s wrong? 

blu97: just feel like shit, that’s all 

blu97: i get like this sometimes, just feel depressed for no reason 

blu97: it used to be a lot worse last year, but i’ve gotten a bit better. Except my parent’s fighting, and everything else just kind of reset it i guess 

1redrebel: what do u mean by everything else? 

blu97: there’s no point in telling u

1redrebel: why not? 

blu97: bcuz ur just going to tell me “I told you so” and it’s not going to change anything

1redrebel: what r u talking about? I’d never rub anything in your face like that Lance

blu97: oh really?

blu97: so if i told u it was about the guy u kept telling me to stay away from, then u wouldn’t say anything?

1redrebel: the one who defended u? 

1redrebel: u talked to him today right? What happened? Is he why you’re feeling down? 

blu97: it’s too complicated to talk about, i can’t even put it into words 

1redrebel: well try, i need to know

blu97: i rlly don’t want to tell u, i don’t want u to think im an asshole 

1redrebel: id never think that Lance

blu97: so if i told u that i hate him for no reason u wouldn’t think im an asshole? 

1redrebel: why do u hate him? 

blu97: idk that’s why im saying

blu97: but if anything, it’s because he makes me hate myself

blu97: idk how to explain it...it’s like i was looking at who i wanted to be when i was facing him, but then i see the way he acts and what he does, and i just don’t understand why i feel that way because i hate how he is. it just fucking annoys and confuses me

blu97: not to mention the fact that he was looking at me like he wanted to kiss me or something, it was weird, but it was so brave too. He’s not afraid to be who he is, he doesn’t have to try to hide his sexuality like me. He’s not afraid to be gay

1redrebel: how do u know he’s gay? 

blu97: it’s so obvious 

blu97: but anyways...that’s just the complicated shit im feeling rn

blu97: im all depressed because im jealous of someone i shouldn’t even be jealous of. No one even likes him, but he’s better than all of us, it’s so annoying

1redrebel: interesting…

blu97: u prob don’t care, it’s ok

1redrebel: that’s not true, it’s just a lot to take in 

blu97: yah ik

blu97: whatever let’s just stop talking about this, i don’t want to think about him anymore

1redrebel: sorry

blu97: why r u apologizing, it doesn’t matter

1redrebel: i just feel bad, but i don’t know what to say

blu97: u don’t have to say anything, let’s just talk about something else 

1redrebel: ok

1redrebel: and can u plz stop being angry? I want you to be happy Lance

blu97: i can’t always be fucking happy

blu97: that’s just not realistic

blu97: especially when my life sucks

blu97: it always fucking sucks 

1redrebel: Lance, stop

blu97: im just so done with everything

1redrebel: fuck 

1redrebel: can u stop talking like that?

1redrebel: it’s pissing me off

1redrebel: you’re better than this, stop beating yourself up

blu97: you don’t even understand, stop trying to relate to my problems

blu97: no one understands 

blu97: if u understood u would realize how much i need u rn, but i can’t because i have to wait for u. I have to wait for everything, even tho it’s never going to happen

blu97: im never going to see u am i? We’re never going to kiss underneath the stars, im never going to feel ur hands in my hair, nothing is ever going to happen for us

blu97: THIS IS IT 

blu97: this is what i always get, something i can never have. I have a family who will never accept me for who i am, a boyfriend who i’ll never get to see, these fucked up problems that no one will ever understand not even my friends, and in the end all i have is my stupid, twisted self, that’s all i have

blu97: but then i sound so selfish even saying anything, bcuz i have so much more than some ppl have, but still, i just hate myself so much, i hate my life

blu97: the only thing i love rn is u and i don’t even have u, so what’s the point of all this?

blu97: i don’t want this anymore, i want something real, something that can fix me

blu97: i want something that i don’t have to doubt or be scared of, i just want something certain for once, for once in my fucking life

1redrebel: Lance where is this coming from?

1redrebel: You’re just mad about today OK? Think about what you’re saying, seriously

1redrebel: I told you, you can vent to me, but im not just going to sit here and let u try to break up with me out of the blue like this, you’re being irrational and impulsive

1redrebel: i think u just need to log out for a little and get ur head together alright? 

1redrebel: just plz, calm down and think, relax

blu97: then what happens after that? I’ll still just be in the same place as I am now

blu97: i told u this yesterday, i told u

blu97: nothing gets better for me, it just gets worse

blu97: i don’t want to do this anymore

1redrebel: Lance seriously, what is this? Don’t fucking do this to me

1redrebel: what the hell r u doing, i don’t get it

blu97: idk 

blu97: i don’t know 

blu97 has logged out. 

I put my face in my hands. 

I just don't fucking know anymore.


	9. Shade Nine

It’s funny how fast things can change. 

It’s funny how quickly you can come to regret the decisions you make.

I didn’t mean for it to turn out like this, I was just at such a low point and I took my anger out on him, I took everything out on him. All the shit I was holding back, I told him, all my fears, all my doubts, all my worries about our relationship. But I didn’t mean for it to come out like that. Fuck, I screwed up so badly, and now I don’t know how to fix it. 

It’s been more than two weeks, he was messaging me, but I never replied back because I didn’t know what to say. 

1redrebel: Lance I know you can see my messages

1redrebel: Please, why aren’t you replying back to me 

1redrebel: Lance I love you, please stop doing this to me

1redrebel: I love you, I’m sorry, what did I do wrong?

1redrebel: Please talk to me

1redrebel: I’m sorry

He stopped after a few days, which made me feel even worse than I did before. I guess he finally gave up, finally realized what a lost cause I am. 

I pick at my food, not really feeling hungry anymore. Even through all of my parent’s arguments, they still somehow manage to make room for us to have these family dinners. I think it’s the only good thing we have left, it’s the only good thing we can save. 

I’m not sure what we’re holding onto anymore. 

“Mommy, you’re stomach’s getting big.” Emil giggles. 

My mom gives him a tired smile, something I’m so used to seeing these days. “Guess I’ve been eating too much food yeah?” She tickles him and he laughs harder.

“When’s the baby coming?” Carmen asks curiously, twirling a piece of brown hair around her finger. 

“Soon, very soon,” She glances at my dad who seems more interested in his plate of food than he is her. 

“Are you guys still waiting to reveal the gender when it’s born?” I decide to add in. This is the only normal conversation we’ve had in awhile. 

“I want to, just to make it more exciting. But, your dad feels otherwise.” 

I bite my lip. “Oh.” 

The table falls quiet again. My dad clears his throat after a long space of silence. “Lance, you’re eighteen now, I think it’s time you found someone to settle down with already.” 

My stomach drops. “I don’t know, I-I’m not really interested in anyone.”

“That’s fine.There’s a man at my work with a decent daughter, I think you might like her.” 

I frown. “Are you trying to set me up with someone?” 

“Yeah, and is there anything wrong with that? If you wait too long to get settled down, you won’t end up happy with whoever you marry, trust me. But marrying too young can also have it’s downfalls as well. You need to meet, fall in love properly, and then marry. Don’t rush into anything; that’s the best way.” I can tell he’s talking about my mom because of the dirty look she gives him. 

“I’m fine dad, really-” I start but he cuts me off. 

“Actually, come to think of it,” He takes his phone out of his pocket, “I have a picture of her that he sent to me a few days ago. We were talking about you two the other week actually. She’s a very beautiful girl.” He shows me the picture. I study it, she is really pretty, from her full lips to her soft auburn hair, but there’s only one thing; she’s not Andrew. 

“She’s nice, but…” I trail off, not really sure what to say. 

“But what? I think you should meet her.” He states finally. 

My mom clears her throat now. “Why are you forcing him to do this Anton? It’s clearly making him uncomfortable.” 

“He won’t be uncomfortable when they’re actually introduced to each other.” 

She frowns. “Is this already set up or something? Why didn’t you tell me about this? I’m his mother you know.” 

My dad takes a sip of his drink, looking at her over the rim, then sets it down slowly. “I didn’t tell you anything because I knew you’d be against it. White people tend not to like arranged marriages.” 

My mom looks like she’s been slapped in the face by his response. “What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

“Mom,” I warn. 

“I’m just telling the truth, what’s the problem?” My dad raises his voice. 

“Well you don’t have to such an asshole about it.” She snaps. 

“White people are against anything that is good for their children. Why the hell do you think your upbringing was so full of booze and sex? That’s why we were stupid enough to have Lance at such a young age.” 

“What? Are you seriously blaming that on me? That was both of our faults Anton!” 

“Bullshit! Do you know how many times I told you that we should have stayed abstinent until we were married? But you were so high strung you never listened to me once!” He yells back. 

“You’re the one who didn’t wear protection though, so don’t blame that on me!” 

“You didn’t want me to wear protection! You told me you were on birth control so that I didn’t need to, but you lied! Or were you just stupid enough to miss a day?”

Emil starts crying loudly.  
I slam my hands on the table. “Fuck, enough! Just shut up!” I shout angrily. “Why do you guys always fucking do this!” 

“Lance! Watch your mouth! Who do you think you’re talking to?” My dad snaps. 

I clench my teeth and shove my chair backwards. “Fuck this.” 

“Hey!” He barks as I stalk away. When I reach my room, I slam my door and slide down against the frame onto the floor. Hot tears flow fast down my cheeks and I can feel my body shaking uncontrollably. Why, why does it always end like this? Why is my family so fucked up? 

I lift my head and stare at my laptop, tears blurring my vision. He probably hates me so much. He won’t want to talk to me. But I’m so fucking selfish, when shit goes wrong that’s when I need him. Then when I’m so caught up in myself, it’s like he doesn’t matter at all. God, I fucking hate myself. 

I’m so selfish and yet I still can’t live without him. 

When I log on, he’s online.

1redrebel: Lance, we haven’t talked in so long, please reply back to me, i just need to know that you’re ok, please

blu97: Andrew

1redrebel: Lance

1redrebel: fuck please never do that to me again

1redrebel: God why would u do that to me

blu97: im sorry

1redrebel: i love you so much

blu97: i love you too

1redrebel: just talk to me ok? Idc what u say, please just talk to me

blu97: ok...im sorry for being such an idiot

blu97: im sorry for taking you for granted

blu97: im sorry i dumped everything on you like that and then just disappeared

blu97: im so sorry for being the worst fucking boyfriend ever

blu97: im sorry i don’t deserve you

blu97: im sorry that no matter how much shit happens, no matter how much i put u through, i still want u all to myself

blu97: im sorry im so selfish and i don’t even care, in the end im selfish for u because u r everything to me 

blu97: you’re everything and i can’t lose my everything

blu97: i don’t ever want to lose you

1redrebel: fuck

1redrebel: im crying actual tears rn Lance

1redrebel: i don’t ever want to lose u either, so plz, no matter what happens, don’t abandon us or push me away like that ever again

1redrebel: promise me

blu97: i promise

1redrebel: promise again

blu97: i promise you Andrew

blu97: no matter what hell comes my way, i’ll always come to you because you’re my heaven

1redrebel: you’re my whole world Lance, i can’t live without you

I cry harder.

blu97: i love you so much


	10. Shade Ten

I decide to leave out early the next day so that I don’t have to deal with my family. I don’t think I can take another morning where my mom assures me that everything will be OK even though we all know it won’t, and in this case, my dad most likely berating me again for swearing last night. I feel bad leaving Emil and Carmen to them, but there’s only so much I can handle, especially indirectly figuring out that my parents most likely had me by accident.

The only downside to this is having to walk to school because I live so far from it. I guess I could have taken a bus, but I didn’t exactly think of grabbing or making any change before leaving. I only have my card and I’m not exactly close to a bank right now to withdraw money, so that’s kind of off the list. 

I sigh and stop walking. My feet are killing me and I can barely keep my eyes open. I didn’t get a very good sleep last night because of all of the stress and emotional trauma lately, it’s not even worth making the rest of the trip. When I get to school I’m just going to be exhausted and unmotivated, not like I even want to go anyway. I pull out my phone, there’s a few messages from Katie probably wondering where I am, I decide to ignore them. 

A cool breeze suddenly nips at my neck, I pull up my hood and glance towards the sky. Shit, was it supposed to rain today? Why are the clouds so grey? I groan and decide to head over to a nearby convenience store to buy some chips, since I missed out on breakfast. 

When I’m in line, I spot some cigarettes by the front counter. I clench my teeth and look away. I used to smoke when I first entered high school, just to relieve some of my stress, then I realized how bad it was for me and soon stopped, but now; they look tempting. I grab a pack and a lighter, purchasing them along with the chips. 

I go outside and sit down on the curb, staring down at them blankly. Am I actually doing this? I’ve already answered my question when I place one in my mouth and light it, dragging in the smoke slowly. I close my eyes, shit that feels so good. When I open them again, a car is pulling up into the parking space in front of me. It’s dark blue and rusted around the sides, I study it’s features for a second before the person driving steps out. 

My heart drops. 

Keith stares back at me, something off behind his eyes. Fuck, I can’t believe this right now. I try to hide my face by pulling my hood further down over my eyes, but I already know he saw me; it’s useless. Ugh, why the hell does he have to be here now of all times?

I glance back up at him again, he’s still watching me, a hard expression on his face. 

“What?” I cough. 

He bites his lip and shakes his head, then walks past me inside. I look back at him. What the hell was that? You know what, fuck this, I’m not staying around, it’s just awkward now. I stand up to leave when I hear him behind me again. 

“Wait.” 

I turn around, a water bottle is in his hands, stretched out towards me. 

He thrusts it closer. “Here.”

“Um, thanks.” I frown at him as I take it slowly. Why is he acting so formal? It’s making me uncomfortable. 

“Why aren’t you at school?” He asks carefully then. 

I give him a weird look in return. “Why does it matter?”

“I don’t know,” He shrugs, “usually I just see you there by now.” 

“Just didn’t feel like going today, that’s it.” Not like you’re there either, I decide to add but don’t.

“OK.” 

Shit, this is so awkward. Does he think that we’re friends now or something? I just need to get out this conversation ASAP. “Um, well, I’m gonna get going,” I move to leave but my foot suddenly cramps up and I trip forward. I blush uncontrollably from embarrassment, shit, could this moment get any worse?

“Are you OK?” He asks. 

“Yeah, yeah, my foot just hurts a little, but I’m fine.” I try to maintain my composure, but I can barely even move, my feet are so sore. 

“Where are you going? Do you need a ride somewhere?” He steps forward, but I put my hand up. 

“I’m fine, seriously.” I just want him to leave me alone, but clearly he’s not getting the message. A clap of thunder sounds then and rain starts to fall from the thick grey clouds abruptly. Clearly God isn’t getting the message either. 

“Hey, I know we’re not exactly friends and we don’t really know each other that well, but I can tell you’re hurt and you shouldn’t be walking around in the rain like this. The least I can do is give you a ride, please?” His voice sounds serious and desperate all at once, it does something weird to my heart. 

I study him for a while. I mean, I guess he is offering, he’s just being nice. Maybe I can push my twisted emotions towards him away for a second and just comply. I bite my lip. “Uh, sure OK. Thanks.” 

A small smile shows on his lips for a split second, but it disappears quickly. “Cool.” He unlocks his car and opens the door for me to get inside. I slide in cautiously, the smell of old lime and stale fast food hits my nose immediately. But other than that, the car is actually pretty clean, I’m surprised for some reason. I glance at the items hanging from his rear view mirror. There’s a picture of two people, a man, woman, and a small child. There’s another child there too; could that be his brother? 

My eyes scan the other items as he climbs in beside me. Is that a picture of mothman? And a bigfoot plushie? I try to stifle my laughter, this guy is such a dork. 

The rain pounds loudly on the car as we he pulls out of the parking lot. 

“Where am I taking you?” He asks. 

“Just my house, keep going straight.” I reply. It falls silent again, just like last time. But this time, the silence isn’t as uncomfortable, except I still feel something weird between us. I glance at him out of the corner of my eye. I wonder if he could read my mind, would he still be acting this nice to me? All the bad and conflicting things I’ve thought about him, I think he’d hate me if he ever found them out. 

I turn nervous and I trace my pack of cigarettes carefully. “Um, do you mind if I take a smoke? I’ll open the window.” 

He glances at me but doesn’t say anything. I decide to take that as a yes. I light it and take a long drag, blowing the smoke out of the window. It calms my nerves down immediately. I can still feel him watching me, I look over. 

“What?” 

He looks away. “Nothing.” 

“Turn here.” I mutter. When I get home I’m going to have to hide these, just like I did in grade nine. I’ll have to take a shower too, to get rid of the smell. I sigh and close my eyes. 

“Are you OK?” 

“Yeah I’m fine, just keep going.” 

A few minutes later we arrive on my street. I tell him my address and he stops the car outside of the house. I don’t get out immediately. No one’s even home, but I still don’t want to go back in there, because I know what to expect later. 

“Are you sure this is where you wanted to go?” He whispers then. 

I look at him in surprise. “Y-Yeah, sorry, I just got distracted.” I start climbing out quickly. “Um, thanks for the ride. I really appreciated it.” 

He doesn’t say anything, his eyes are on my lips again. My stomach churns, why does he keep doing that? It’s weird. I look away. “OK, see you around.” 

“Yeah, see you.” Is the last thing I hear him say before he drives off. 

**

Later that night we talk. 

blu97: idk what to think about him anymore

1redrebel: he rlly acts like he has a crush on you lol

blu97: do u think he does? 

blu97: but why? I treat him like shit, just like everyone else does

blu97: but still, he’s so nice to me, by helping me out and then defending me...I feel like i have no reason to dislike him. But it goes deeper than that, I just wish i could be someone like that you know? Even through all of this bullshit he experiences, he can still be himself, and he’s not afraid to help other ppl, even if they say all of this shit about him and judge him too

blu97: i just realized how much i respect him...idk why all this time i envied him so much. I mean in a way i still do bcuz he’s like amazing if u think about it, but i don’t hate him...it’s just wrong to think like that

blu97: i guess it was just mob mentality from the start, everyone else didn’t like him, so i decided to dislike him too. And then on top of that there was just jealousy and confusion…

blu97: jeez how can one guy make feel so complicated lol

blu97: sorry im talking about him too much, but dw you’re still the one i love :D

1redrebel: ha...ik it’s ok, im not jealous...i completely understand what you’re saying

I smile and open his picture up again, studying it for what it seems like the hundredth time that week. Every time I talk with him, I feel like I need to remember what he looks like, it gives me a sense of comfort. I can’t see his face, but it’s almost like I can imagine. 

There’s a knock on my door then. 

“Yeah?” I call. My dad comes in suddenly, he looks angry. I quickly close my laptop. 

“Your school just called; they said you weren’t in any of your classes.” He speaks firmly. 

“I wasn’t feeling good so I didn’t go.” I lie. 

“And what? Decided not to tell us? Just stayed home on your laptop the whole day instead of trying to catch up on some work? Why are you so obsessed with that thing anyways? Clearly it’s distracting you from your studies!” He stalks over and grabs it from me.

“Dad!” I stand up. 

“What do you even spend all of your time doing on this thing?” He starts opening it.

“I just take notes on it, that’s all, please give it back.” I beg but it’s too late.

“Don’t lie to me-” He opens it and his eyes turn silver. “W-What the hell-”

It feels like my whole world is crashing down around me. This isn’t happening, this can’t be happening, I can’t-

He slaps me, hard. I stumble backwards. “What the hell is this!” He screams. 

“What is going on up there?” My mom calls from downstairs. 

“No son of mine, is going to live under my roof, doing disgusting, repulsive things like this!” 

I hold onto my cheek, my mind is scrambled, I can’t form coherent words. I sit on the floor in a daze. 

He throws my laptop down. “What are you huh?” 

“Anton, what is going on?” My mom comes into the room, when she sees me her eyes widen in shock. “What the hell are you doing?” 

“Are you gay? Do you like men? Is that why you have something like this in your possession?”  
Tears gather in my eyes, he grabs my shirt. “Answer me!” 

“Anton stop!” My mom puts a hand on his shoulder, but he pushes her away.

“Answer me!” 

“Yes OK?” I scream. “There are you fucking happy? Now your marriage is screwed up and so is your son! Are you fucking happy?” 

He shakes angrily. “Get out, get out of my house right now, GET OUT!” 

I don’t move.

“I don’t want to see your face in here again you hear me? Get out!” A pain shoots up my arm as he forces me off the ground and pushes me out of the room. My mom watches helplessly behind him. 

Fuck her. 

Fuck him.

Screw everyone!

“I hate all of you!” Tears sting my eyes as I race downstairs.

“Lance?” Emil’s small voice stops me from leaving, but only for a second. It takes everything in me to ignore him. I bite down hard on my lip and burst through the door.

I run as fast as I can to nowhere.

 

 

1redrebel: Lance, can I tell you something?

 

1redrebel: Lance?

 

1redrebel: Hey, are you OK? What happened?

 

1redrebel: …

1redrebel: u didn’t even log out or say good bye, what’s going on?

1redrebel: Lance

 

 

 

1redrebel: Lance it’s been a few hours, ik something’s wrong

1redrebel: you’re still online

1redrebel: did u forget to log out or something?

1redrebel: but ik you can see my messages, why aren't you replying?

 

 

1redrebel: fuck why am i even doing this

1redrebel: this is bullshit, im tired of hiding

1redrebel: i want to tell u everything

1redrebel: you finally accept me, i want you to know

 

 

1redrebel: what happened to you?

 

 

1redrebel: Lance, where are you?

 

Messages have been deleted by 1redrebel.

 

1redrebel has logged out.


	11. Shade Eleven

The door creaks open, Katie stares back at me, her controller in her hands and a lollipop sticking from her mouth. Her eyes widen. “Lance?” 

“Can I please come inside?” I whisper. 

“Shit, what the hell happened to you? Yeah come in.” She replies, moving out of the way for me.

My feet ache and sting as I stumble in, my cheek and arm are still store, and I’m on the verge of tears again. 

“Katie, who’s that at the door?” I hear her mom call from upstairs. 

“It’s just Lance, don’t worry about it!” She calls back, leading me over to the couch to sit down. I stare down blankly at her collection of video games sitting on the coffee table in front of me, the hum of the TV and her console ring through my ears. 

“Hey, are you OK? Talk to me.” She sits down and puts a hand on my shoulder. I flinch. “Why weren’t you at school today?” 

I close my eyes, still not able to speak. 

She studies me for a while, then sighs and looks away. “It’s OK, I won’t force you to talk right now if you’re not comfortable. Do you want anything to eat?” 

“Y-Yeah, sure.” I croak, opening my eyes again to stare down at my hands. They’re trembling, everything that has happened is still replaying over and over again in my head like a movie. I clench my teeth. How could I be so fucking stupid? I should have been more careful, I was reckless. But how was I supposed to know this was going to happen? How was I supposed to know he was going to find out this way? 

“Fuck.” I whisper. But I knew, I knew how he would have reacted if he’d found out. Yet I still wasn’t careful enough to prevent it. It’s just everything that’s been happening, it messed with my head, made me distracted. 

I look over at Katie, she’s in the kitchen taking ingredients for sandwiches out of the fridge. My stomach grumbles, I’m actually starving, but I need to talk to Andrew first, tell him what’s going on. He’s probably wondering what happened to me, I don’t want him to worry. “Katie.” I speak up. She looks back at me. 

“Yeah?” 

“Do you think I could borrow your laptop for a second?” 

She frowns. “Seriously?” 

“Yeah, I have to do something important.” The words aren’t coming out to explain everything, I just really need her to understand right now. 

“OK, fine. It’s just upstairs, I’ll be back in a sec.” She runs upstairs leaving me alone in the living room. I release a loud sigh of relief. This is why I came over here after hours of wandering around in a haze. I knew she wouldn’t be so persistent to know what was going on unlike Hunk who would have interrogated me immediately. I love Hunk, but I can’t deal with that kind of pressure right now. 

I feel my nerves start to settle a little. I don’t think I’ve ever experienced this much quietness before, it’s peaceful and relaxing. Her dad and her older brother Matt aren’t here right now which is probably why. They’re on a trip to a reserve in Alaska, or at least that’s what she told me. Her father is an environmentalist, so he travels around the world a lot for research and Matt tends to tag along with him. I’ve only ever seen him a few times, Katie talks about how much she misses them sometimes.

I wish I could relate. 

She comes back downstairs a few moments later and hands me her laptop, telling me the password to get in. I log on quickly, I’m still signed into my account. 

He’s online. 

My heart lifts in relief; when I need him he’s always there. 

blu97: Andrew

1redrebel: Lance

1redrebel: I swear r u trying to give me a heart attack

blu97: lol

1redrebel: this isn’t funny, what the hell happened to u?

blu97: my dad found out i was gay, slapped me, then kicked me out of the house

blu97: so how was your day ? :)

1redrebel: fuck Lance, why are you taking this as a joke?

1redrebel: i can’t believe he would fucking do that to you

blu97: it’s not like i didn’t already know what was going to happen if he found out

1redrebel: ...how did he find out?

blu97: your pic, i was looking at it when he came into my room to berate me about ditching school…

1redrebel: shit, so this is my fault

blu97: it’s not, im the one who told u to send it. I should have been more careful 

“Lance?” Katie calls from the kitchen. I glance up. “Did you want mustard on here or mayo?”

“Both thanks.” I force a smile. 

1redrebel: where r u rn?

blu97: my friend’s house, i don’t think i can go home tonight

blu97: i honestly don’t know what im going to do

blu97: im actually so fucking scared

1redrebel: im so sorry Lance

blu97: you don’t need to apologize

blu97: it’s just enough for me that he didn’t find out about you, bcuz idk what i would do if i lost you

1redrebel: i feel the same way

I’m about to reply back when Katie appears in front of me.

“Um, thanks.” I take the sandwich from her slowly. 

blu97: hey im rlly sorry, i have to go

1redrebel: oh yeah, of course, dw about it, im just glad you’re ok

1redrebel: but when everything get’s better, i have to tell you something alright?

blu97: ha i don’t think anything is going to get better, but im glad you’re still looking on the bright side of things

blu97: but yeah ok, no problem

1redrebel: i love you

blu97: i love you too

blu97: ttyl if i can :)

1redrebel: ok :)

blu97 has logged out. 

“He’s definitely hiding something.” I feel Katie over my shoulder then. I jump.

“Jesus, what the hell? Were you watching this whole time?” I panic. 

She takes a sip of her drink with a sly smile on her face. “I could tell by your face that you must have been doing something pretty interesting on there. And it was kinda easy to look considering you were so consumed by your boyfriend’s messages.” 

I blush. “I wasn’t consumed and he’s not my boyfriend.”

“Oh yeah and I’m not a girl, honestly Lance, you’re way too obvious.” She rolls her eyes. “So, if you don’t mind me asking; who is he?” 

I sigh, guess there’s no use in lying about anything now. “We met about a year ago, his name’s Andrew-”

She starts choking. “A year ago?” 

“Yes…”

“So why am I just hearing about him now?” 

I blush again. “I don’t know, guess it just never came up…” 

She gives me a long stare. “Seriously dude?” 

“Ugh, look I’m sorry alright? I just didn’t know how to tell you or Hunk, our relationship was kind of complicated in the beginning.” I cross my arms. 

“It’s fine Lance, chill. I already knew you had a secret bae, it was so obvious. You’re so easy to read.” She laughs. 

“Oh...right.” 

“What I want to know though, if you’re comfortable enough to talk about it now; why are you out so late? Not to mention the bare feet and the traumatized look you had on your face when you first came inside...Did something happen?” I hear the careful tone in her voice, it makes me feel more at ease. I run my fingers along the arm of the couch deep in contemplation. 

“Yeah, I kinda just got kicked out of the house.” I bite my lip, “my dad found out I was gay.” 

Her face falls. “Shit, I’m so sorry Lance.” 

“It’s fine, you don’t have to apologize. It was my fault anyway, I was pretty much asking for it.” 

“Hey, don’t say that. The way your dad handled the situation was completely wrong and unfair, not to mention your cheek, it’s swollen. Did he hit you?” She whispers. 

I try to hold back more tears but it doesn’t work. “Y-Yeah, um, I wasn’t really expecting it...” 

She pulls me forwards and embraces me tightly. I put my forehead on her shoulder. “W-What the hell am I gonna do?” I tremble. 

“It’s OK, don’t think about anything right now. You can stay over here for as long as you want.” She speaks softly. 

“Thank you Katie.” I sniff.

“I’m always here for you OK? No matter what.” 

“Y-Yeah.” 

She pulls away. “Now eat up, you look like you haven’t had a decent meal since like last year.” 

“You’re almost right.” I laugh and glance at her. “My parents, I think they might get a divorce.” It just comes out, I can’t stop it. “They’ve been fighting so much lately, then insisting that things will be alright. But I know it won’t be, it’s only a matter of time before it happens. I just don’t think I’ll ever be prepared for it.” 

“You can’t prepare for those kinds of things Lance, you just have to do your best to cope with it. And you have me, Hunk, and your boyfriend to help you through it too. I know it’s hard right now, but don’t ever give up hope, in your family and especially in yourself.” Those words hit me hard. She’s right, I can’t just give up, if it’s inevitable, I need to be strong enough to face it. 

“I seriously love you so much right now.” I smile at her. 

“Ey, save your loves for your boyfriend.” She giggles, handing me a controller. “Wanna play some Overwatch with me?” 

“Uh, sure.” 

“I’m Hanzo though, I’m always Hanzo.” 

“Ha, OK fine.” 

We play until I can’t keep my eyes open, the week’s stress and exhaustion finally catching up to me. 

“I’ll get you a blanket and a pillow OK?” She stands up and stretches with a groan. 

“Thanks.” 

When she leaves I lie down, staring blankly at the black screen of the TV. I can slightly see my reflection in it, I look almost defeated. I wonder what else needs to happen in able to finally push me down hard enough so I can’t stand back up again.

I close my eyes, I don’t want to think about it. But my mind can’t help but wander back to Andrew; what does he want to tell me? A nervous feeling wrenches itself into the pit of my stomach, shit, I wish I brought my cigarettes with me. But why am I so anxious? It can’t be anything bad right? Except what Katie said is bothering me, about him possibly hiding something; but it was just a joke. It doesn’t matter. I know him, it won’t be anything bad, I just need to have a little faith. 

I love him too much, I won’t doubt him. 

My mind is barely aware when I feel Katie cover me with a warm blanket. She lifts my head carefully and puts the pillow underneath. I drift off quickly after that. 

I dream of Andrew kissing me underneath the stars. 

 

And also for some reason; Keith.


	12. Shade Twelve

“Lance honey?” 

I lift my eyes open. My mouth has a bad taste and my eyelids are heavy, I glance towards the voice. Katie’s mom stands over me, a phone in her hands. 

She gives me a small smile. “I’m sorry for waking you up like this, but your mom, she’s on the other line asking for you.” 

I run a hand through my hair and sit up slowly. “Um, thanks Mrs. Holt.” 

“No problem.” She hands the phone to me and I bring it to my ear. 

“Hello?” 

“Oh thank God.” She releases a loud sigh of relief. “I didn’t know where you might be, but I should have guessed.” 

I don’t say anything back. 

“Lance, I know things are rough right now, but you really need to come back home OK?” 

“I thought you were there when dad said he never wanted to see my face in his house again. He kicked me out remember? I can’t just come back.” I mutter, rehashing last night in my head for the millionth time. Katie comes downstairs then, her bag slung around her shoulders. She glances at me and I nod. 

“I-I know what happened, but listen to me OK? He said you can come back, but under one circumstance.” She states.

I frown. “What?” 

“He wants you to meet the girl he was planning on setting you up with.” 

Those words hit me like a knife to the chest. “Y-You’re joking right?”

“No, Lance-”

“This is bullshit, he knows that I’m gay, I’m bi-” 

“Then what’s holding you back?” She cuts in. “You like boys and girls right? So why can’t you just make ends meet and do this for him?”

I clench my teeth. I forgot, they never found out about Andrew, they don’t know I’m in love with someone else. But still, this is so wrong. He’s forcing me to get into a relationship and become straight in able to come back home. It’s like a fucking bribe, this is so twisted and sick. 

“How can you be so OK with this?” I shake. 

“I-I’m not OK with this Lance, I just want my son back. I want you back home safe, your siblings need you too. Emil won’t stop crying and Carmen won’t stop asking for you, they both miss you so much.” She sounds like she’s on the verge of tears. My stomach sinks, I hate doing this to her, because she’s already going through so much. And the fact that she isn’t angry at all after finding out about my sexuality just proves how desperate she is. But still; I can’t do this. 

“I’m sorry, but I’d rather live on the streets than be forced into something like this. I know who I am, I know what I want. And I can’t be apart of a family who doesn’t realize that.” I say softly. 

“Lance, I need you to put your head on straight and think about what you’re saying. You can't just abandon your family, and you have nothing to support you right now; where are you going to go? You can’t stay at Katie’s forever, you have no money, you don’t even have a solid education. You need to come back home and get your priorities straight. Please, you’re doing this for everyone, not just yourself. I’ll deal with your father, I promise, you won’t have to worry, everything will be alright.” 

I close my eyes. I’m so fucking tired of hearing that. 

“Stop giving me empty promises mom.” I whisper. “And what about you? Why are you still there? I know you’re not happy, I know this isn’t what you want anymore. You have two children who need you and another one on the way; why are you going to keep putting them through this?”

“What are you trying to say Lance? I can’t just get up and leave, do you not understand where I am here? Not all problems can be dealt by running away, that’s what I’m trying to tell you. Sometimes you have no choice but to face them head on and find a way to deal with it.” She states firmly. 

I clutch the phone tighter in my hands. “That’s what I’m doing right now. I-I can’t stay in that house anymore. Not with the fighting, not with dad trying to force me to live a life I don’t want to live. I’m tired mom, I can’t take anymore. This has been going on for so long, I’ve reached my breaking point. It’ll be hard, but I’ll figure something out. I’m sorry, but for now, I’m not coming back. If anything, I’ll just come to get some of my things, but after that; I’m gone.” 

“Lance-” I hang up and take in a shaky breath. 

“Hey, is everything OK?” Katie asks from the kitchen. 

“Y-Yeah, I’m fine.” 

“Would you like some breakfast Lance?” Her mom asks then, raising a plate of pancakes before me. 

My heart lifts. “Of course, thank you.” 

**

I’m left alone later that morning. Before she left, I told Katie not to tell Hunk about anything, just to say I’m not feeling well. I know eventually he’ll get suspicious because I left my phone at home and he’s probably been texting me, but I just don’t want him knowing anything right now. We’ve been friends longer than Katie and I have, so if he found out about all of this, he’d probably drag me back home because it’s the sensible thing to do. He wouldn’t understand even if I told him it wasn”t.

Katie leaves her laptop here for me to use just in case Andrew comes online during the day. She also tells me where the other important things are in the house, and that if I need to, I can change into some of her brother's clothes if I start feeling dirty. I’m glad she offered, but I’d just feel awkward wearing Matt’s clothes.

And I won’t be staying here long anyways. 

Andrew comes online a few hours after they leave. 

1redrebel: r u feeling OK?

blu97: yeah, im fine

1redrebel: were u able to go back home by any chance?

blu97: no...i decided not to

1redrebel: why?

blu97: my mom called, she wants me to come back, says my dad is ok about it too...but only if i start dating some girl he’s trying to get me into a serious relationship with

blu97: i just couldn’t do it, it’s not right for him to try and do something like that

1redrebel: i get where ur coming from Lance, but i think you need to think logically here

blu97: oh great, u sound just like my mom

blu97: i’ve already thought logically

blu97: im not going back home, im leaving

1redrebel: what do u mean? Leaving to where?

blu97: anywhere, idk

blu97: i can go back home and get my things, but im not staying, i just need to get out of here

1redrebel: Lance

1redrebel: r u seriously running away? 

1redrebel: do u know how insane that sounds?

blu97: if u were in my position, you’d think it was the right thing to do

1redrebel: you can’t just disappear like that Lance, it doesn’t make any sense

1redrebel: do u even have enough money? How r u going to get anywhere?

blu97: Look, i’ll figure it out OK? I know it’s sudden and far fetched, but ik what im doing

1redrebel: Lance, you need to go back home

blu97: no, do you not get it? I can’t, I thought you of all people would understand that by now. It’s like you want me to date some random girl or something, is that what u want? 

1redrebel: of course it isn’t what i want...i just don’t want u to leave

blu97: then come with me, we can go anywhere, get away, idc just as long as im with u

1redrebel: i want that, u don’t know how fucking badly i want that

blu97: then why can’t we have it? Why r u still hiding from me? 

1redrebel: because im thinking about u rn, if u do this Lance, ur just making a mistake

blu97: a mistake? Wanting to be happy is a mistake? 

1redrebel: u won’t be happy, if u just leave all of your problems behind like this, they’re just going to keep chasing after u

1redrebel: trust me, ik

blu97: what if i told u that i don’t care?

blu97: idc about my fucking problems

1redrebel: then what about your friends, your brother and sister? 

1redrebel: what will they do when you just leave them behind like this?

blu97: idk 

blu97: but in the end, all i have is myself

blu97: if i stay here, im sacrificing so much, i can’t always be the one to make everyone happy all the time. Sometimes i have to think about what i want too

blu97: and this is what i want, i just want to leave

1redrebel: you’re running away

blu97: then so be it

blu97: im just tired of being tired

blu97: and you’ve been running away from me for so long too Andrew

blu97: when r u going to take your own advice and face me

1redrebel: i want to

1redrebel: but everytime i try, i realize how fucking close i am to losing u

blu97: i can’t just keep carrying you around on a laptop

blu97: we can’t just be usernames forever

blu97: we need to go past this screen

blu97: if im leaving, im not taking u with me

blu97: it’s either the real you or nothing

blu97: im sorry im being unfair, but that’s my final decision

1redrebel: what if u don’t want the real me?

1redrebel: what do u do then?

blu97: why wouldn’t i want the real you?

blu97: i’d take you anyway, idc

1redrebel: ok

1redrebel: i’ll take your word for it then

1redrebel: i’ll trust that u won’t leave me

blu97: don't say that, i won't ever leave u

blu97: and what does that mean?

blu97: do u want to see me?

1redrebel: yeah

blu97: but how? Where r u rn?

1redrebel: closer than u think

1redrebel: meet me at the restaurant on Jackson Street

1redrebel: i’ll see u there

1redrebel: i love you

1redrebel has logged out.


	13. Shade Thirteen

The restaurant on Jackson Street. 

My family and I used to eat here almost every week when there wasn’t any fighting or problems, just happiness and simplicity. I miss those days so much. Just standing outside has given me so much nostalgia. But it’s only one of the reasons why I’m so afraid to go in. 

Andrew is waiting for me.

My heart is literally shaking in my chest, I’ve never felt so nervous in my life. 

I was contemplating not coming. With everything else going on, I just didn’t know how I could handle this. But I made my decision already, this is what I’ve wanted for so long. To be with him, just to see him face to face. I’m so scared, but I’m ready. 

I can’t believe how close he was this whole time. I take in a long breath and close my eyes. Before I left, I think I checked my appearance in the mirror about eleven times, and even now I’m still not sure if I look good. My eyes still look tired and red from last night, my cheek is still swollen. But there’s not much I can do about it. 

I’m already here, so it’s now or never. 

The familiar jingle of the door sounds when I walk in. There’s a few people inside, it’s usually more busy during dinner and lunch rather than breakfast. A waitress with blonde hair and a sparkly smile greets me eagerly. 

“Hi, can I get you seated?” She hands me a menu. 

I nod. “Yeah, thanks.” 

We walk towards the back and she puts me in a small table in the corner of the room. “Choose what you want and just wave for me when you’re ready. I’m Angela by the way.” 

I smile awkwardly at her. “Thanks.” But I’m not here to eat. I glance around the restaurant again, an elderly couple eats happily together and a mom tries to force feed her kids eggs and bacon. There are others too, but none of them are Andrew, I know it. I guess he just hasn’t shown up yet. 

I glance down at the menu, looking at all of this food is making me nauseous. I’m way too nervous to eat anything, but maybe I’ll-

The door jingles. I snap my head up. 

My eyes fixate on him. 

Keith?

What is he doing here?

He catches my eye and I look away quickly. 

The thought crosses my mind for a split second, but I force it out. That’s not him, that’s not him, that’s not him. 

The waitress greets him with a peppier tone, and leads him back to where I’m sitting. My heart thumps loudly in my ears as she sits him down behind me. She talks longer than she talked to me. I subtly glance back, it’s so obvious she’s flirting; but his eyes are only on me. 

My stomach drops and I look away again. 

I’m going to be sick. 

I stand up as she leaves to tend to another table, but his voice stops me. 

“Lance.” 

My legs turn numb. 

No.

No.

This isn’t happening. 

It isn’t him. 

No. 

I hear him stand up and he walks over to my table, sitting down slowly in the seat in front of me. I look down at him, my body rigid. 

“Lance, please sit down.” He says softly. 

I can’t move. This isn’t happening, there’s no way. 

But-

It all makes sense. 

The dots connect in my head like a puzzle. The most obvious, easiest puzzle on the fucking planet. 

Him defending me. 

Him not having any parents. 

The way he stared at me like he wanted to kiss me every time we talked. 

Him not wanting to see me for so long. 

Not telling me anything about himself. 

Him insisting on giving me a ride just yesterday. 

So much more.

It all makes sense. 

This whole time, this whole fucking time it was Keith. 

Our eyes meet and he watches me quietly. 

A lump rises in my throat, preventing me from speaking, screaming, swearing. 

“I-I don’t really know what to say first.” He whispers, looking down at my shaking hands on the table. 

I remember the picture I sent of myself to him then. The one he sent to me. 

How many I love you’s I said to him that I can’t take back. 

All of my secrets and problems. 

Everything I said. 

I said so much shit about him, and he just sat there and took it. Pretended, acted, like a totally different person. 

This whole fucking time. 

“I-I don’t get it.” I somehow manage to say. It feels like my world is crashing down around me. “Why the hell would you do this?” 

He glances up at me. “I-I don’t-”

“Did you know it was me the whole time?” 

“No, not at first, but eventually I figured it out.” 

I clench my teeth. “Why would you do this to me?” 

“Because I was scared, I thought you hated me-”

“I didn’t hate you!” I shout angrily. 

“Lance-” He tries to reach for me but I snap my hand away.

“I-I didn’t hate you.” 

“I know, but then I just, I don’t know, can you please just listen to me-” 

“No, I’m not doing this.” I’m done, I’m fucking done. I move past him towards the door but he stands up immediately to come after me. 

“Lance, please, wait a second.” 

He grabs my hand before I can go any further. I push him backwards but he still follows me outside. 

“Lance, please listen to me!” He begs. 

I stop walking. 

“You told me, you told me that you wouldn’t do this, please don’t do this.” 

My anger rises, I turn back around to face him. “What the hell do you want me to do!” I scream. 

“Listen to me, please, I never meant to hurt you, I never meant for it to be like this, it just turned out this way-” I stalk towards him and grab his shirt, raising my fist. Fuck, I’m going to do it, I’m going to hit him so hard, I’m going to end this right here, I swear I’m going to do it! Why would he lie to me? Why? Why would he-

“Lance.” His eyes well with tears. 

My hand trembles. No, I know why. 

This is my fault. 

He was scared because of me. 

He was scared of me. 

I’m the only reason he did this. 

Everything I’d seen at school. He was embarrassed, ashamed, he didn’t know how I would have reacted if I found out the truth. The way I treated him for so long, it’s my fault my heart is breaking into pieces right now. I deserve this. For being so cruel, feeling so twisted towards him for no reason, following everyone’s mentality. 

I brought this all on myself. 

No matter how I really feel, in the end; it’s like this because of me. 

I hang my head and put my hand on his chest.

“Lance-” I give him a light push backwards. He looks at me in surprise. 

“Let’s end this right here.” 

“W-What-” 

“I said let’s end this.” 

He grabs my arm, his grip tight. “No, are you kidding me, I’m not-” 

“Keith.” I whisper. “What were you expecting from this?” 

His jaw tenses. “You told me Lance, you said that you would take me any way, that you would never leave, that you’d always come back to me because I’m your heaven. I know, shit is fucked up right now, and I was expecting this; but what about you? Are you seriously just going to walk away from me because you found out who I am? I know I’m not the perfect guy that you wanted, but I’m still me, I’m still the guy you fell in love with. Just please, please remember that.” 

My legs feel like they’re going to give out from underneath me. “You’re such an idiot.” 

“No-” 

“Why would you want me after all the shit I did to you!” I shout. “Isn’t that why you were so scared? Because I was like everyone else, I saw you for who you didn’t want me to see you as. You already knew that I would have left if I found out, you knew that I would be angry! So why would you still do this!” 

“Because,” He takes my hands carefully. “After a while I realized that I didn’t care. When you came up to me that day in school, when we sat together in my car, small things like that, tiny details, I realized that I needed them all. I needed the real you and not the Lance behind the screen. Then you confessed, saying that you misjudged me, and I wasn’t scared. I’d found an opening, because unlike everyone else, you finally saw through me, you saw something to love, something to admire. There was no point in me hiding anymore, it didn’t make any sense to.” 

I look up at him again, tears are rolling slowly down his cheeks. 

“And then you told me you were leaving, I-I had to do something, because I didn’t want you to leave me behind.” He closes his eyes, bringing my fingers to his lips. “So many people have left me Lance, so many fucking people, I couldn't let you do it too.” 

“I’m sorry,” I whisper. 

“I can’t live without you Lance.” 

My heart stops. 

“I love you so much, you’re the last good thing that I have left in my life. Please, please don’t leave me.” 

A small cry escapes from my lips. “Keith.” 

He puts his forehead against mine, his skin is warm. I close my eyes and take in his touch. Our fingers are intertwined tightly with each other, holding on, not letting go. It feels like everything we’ve missed, all this time between us is slowly mending our minds and bodies together. 

I cry harder. It’s so wrong, it’s so fucking wrong, but this is what I’ve wanted forever. I just wanted him, I wanted Andrew. I have him now. 

I have him. 

Sometimes emotions are too complex to understand, this is one of them. Sometimes problems, complications become so irrelevant so quickly, because it’s the moment that matters, it is what’s happening right now that matters. It’s me, him, our love that we’ve built for so long, everything; in this moment that is all that matters. 

Through the wall he had up in front of me, it was still him. Keith, Andrew, the person I fell in love with, who stood with me through everything, he was right here this whole time. He’s what I’m holding onto. Everything else is gone, he is all I have right now. 

He’s all I need. 

“I won’t leave you.” I speak softly, “but right now, can we just forget? Just for a little bit, I want to forget everything.”

“OK.” He lets out a long sigh. 

I pull away, but only an inch. “Let’s go somewhere.” 

He searches my eyes carefully. “Where?” 

“Anywhere, I don’t care. I just want to be with you right now.” 

“OK,” He laughs softly, pulling me closer to him again, officially closing the space between us, “I’ll take you anywhere Lance.”


	14. Shade Fourteen

He takes me back to my house so I can get my things. No one’s home, but still, being inside makes me feel nauseous. As I pack some clothes, I see my laptop in the same spot my dad threw it. It definitely looks broken, but it doesn’t matter; I won’t be needing it anymore. 

I grab my phone and wallet then leave. 

We drive for a long time. I’m not sure where we’re going, but by the look on his face, I can tell that he’s taking me somewhere specific. I study him, I never noticed how pretty he was before. No wonder the waitress was flirting. His eyelashes are long, and his lips look soft, his skin also has almost no imperfections, and his eyes, they’re so beautiful. 

He blushes. “Lance, can you stop staring?” 

I smile. “Why?” 

“It’s making me uncomfortable.” 

I chuckle and look away. “Sorry.” 

I feel his hand on mine then, he rubs my knuckles softly. I look down. It’s weird, just yesterday I was beside him like this and I never thought anything of it. Now we’re holding hands and driving to God knows where just to get away. These hands that used to message me every night, typed for hours sometimes. I trace them with my fingers carefully, down to his wrists. 

There’s scars, I run my fingers along them slowly. He pulls away. 

“Where’d they come from?” I ask.

He glances at me. “You said you wanted to forget for a little bit, so do I.” 

I don’t say anything back, just look away again. It stays silent for the rest of the ride, but surprisingly it isn’t uncomfortable, just relaxing and mysterious. We stop after a while at a lookout from the escarpment that overlooks our city. He parks the car on a platform that sits above everything, the trees, buildings, water, it’s like you can see the whole world from up here. 

I climb out of the car and walk towards the ledge, looking down in awe. 

“Careful.” He comes up behind me, putting his hand on my shoulder. 

“Are you scared I’m gonna fall?” I tease. 

“No.” He blushes again. 

I tip over the edge a little. “Ahh, help me, I’m going over.” 

“Lance, seriously.” 

I laugh and pull back. “Don’t worry, nothing’s going to happen to me.” 

“I know, but still.” His eyes fixate on the view, they look so full of life.

“Why’d you bring me here?” 

“Because at night, when the sky turns really dark, it’s almost like you can see the whole galaxy of stars from this very spot.” He whispers. 

“The whole galaxy of stars?” I repeat, suddenly feeling interested. 

“Mhm, it’s so beautiful.” He looks back down at me. “I want you to see it too.” 

I grin. “Awesome.” 

We stand like that for a while, just staring quietly at the scenery. I feel like it should be awkward between us, but it isn’t. This is the most comfortable and natural I’ve felt with a person in so long. I feel like with him I can just close my eyes, not worry about anything, just feel the cool breeze, breathe in the fresh air, and kick out a chair and relax. It feels so good, I wouldn’t trade this moment for anything. 

“Are your feet starting to hurt? You can sit in the car for a little bit if you want.” He speaks up. 

“I’m fine, but thanks for offering.” 

“Do you want to do anything? It’ll be a while until it’s night, I guess I should have brought you somewhere else first.” 

I sigh. “It’s OK Keith, seriously. I’m fine here.” 

“OK.” He moves away from the ledge. “I’m gonna go in the car for a little then.” 

“Yeah.” 

I watch him as he leaves. It’s not uncomfortable, but I still feel like there’s something missing. I said I wanted to forget, but what’s the point? I still literally know nothing about him, but it doesn’t exactly look like he’s open to talking. Man, this feels like deja vu.

I take one last look at the scenery and then decide to follow him. We sit quietly in the car. I fiddle with my phone and he stares down at his hands. 

I grit my teeth. Jeez, is it just going to be like this the whole time? We need to say something already. I look at him out of the corner of my eye, he’s already watching me. I look away quickly. What do I even say though? I glance at the picture of what might be his family hanging from the rear view mirror again, I notice the other kid from before. 

“Is that your brother?” I ask curiously. 

He tilts his head. “Yeah.” 

“What’s his name?” 

“Shiro.” 

“Oh.” 

It falls silent again. 

“You’ve never mentioned him.” I speak up. 

“Didn’t think it was important. We don’t really talk that much anyways.” He looks out the window. “After my parents died, he kinda just left.” 

“He left? Then what happened to you? Where have you been staying?” 

“With my aunt, she took me in. But I’m barely ever at home so,” He trails off. 

“Oh, well atleast you have some place to go back to.” I shrug. 

“You do too.” 

“Yeah, I guess I do, I just don’t want to go back.” 

He bites his lip. “So where are you going after this?” 

“I don’t know.” I mutter. 

“Maybe we can go somewhere together.” 

I look at him in surprise. “Seriously?” 

“If you want, it’s not like I have much to go back to anyways. My aunt thinks I’m annoying and Shiro, well he’s married now, so I don’t think there’ll be any room left for me in his life.” He closes his eyes. 

“That’s not true, he’s your brother, he’ll always need you.” I reply firmly. 

He gives me a look then. “Hmm, that sounds familiar doesn’t it?” 

I glare at him. “This isn’t about me OK?” 

He chuckles. “Whatever helps you sleep at night Lance.” 

“Look," I sigh, "I love my brother alright? I’d do anything for him and Carmen. But I-I can’t go back Keith, I don’t want to be with anyone else but you. And I just can’t deal with the fighting anymore, it’s driving me insane, I can’t do it.” 

He brushes a piece of hair softly out of my eye. “Sh, it’s OK, I was just joking around.” 

I clench my teeth. “But you’re not, you’re right. I’m being a coward by running away and a horrible person by leaving them behind, b-but-” 

“Lance, it’s fine, seriously.” He takes my hand. “Just do what you feel is right, I'll always be here to help.” 

“Thanks.” I close my eyes. “God, I’m actually so tired right now.” 

“Take a nap then.” 

“Seriously? Here?” 

“Yeah, that’ll cut some time, I have a blanket in the back if you want.” He offers. 

“Yeah, thanks, that’d be great.” I smile. 

He climbs out and heads towards the trunk, rummaging through whatever he has back there. A few minutes later he comes back and hands me a soft purple blanket. I take it from him slowly, it has his name stitched into the corner. 

“Was this a present or something?” I ask distractedly as I study it. 

“Yeah, my parents gave it to me a while back.” He takes it carefully, draping it over me. “They gave it to me on my birthday, then just a few days later...Yeah, it was the last thing I got from them.” 

“I’m sorry.” I whisper. 

“It’s fine. They said that it represented their love and urge to protect me, that when I covered with it, it should remind me of their hugs, their arms wrapped tightly around me for eternity; even when they were gone.” He smiles softly to himself. “I never really used it after they died, because it reminded me too much of them, and I didn’t want something fake to represent their love, I just wanted the real thing. But in the end, I realized that this was all that I had left. I needed this, just like I need you.” 

I want to say something, but the words aren’t coming at all. I’m speechless. He reclines the seat back slowly and plants a light kiss on my forehead. “Have a good sleep OK?” 

“Y-Yeah.” I stutter. But how can I sleep after that? 

He settles back into his seat and reclines too, staring up blankly at the roof of the car. I watch him, the blanket tucked closely to my chin. “Hey Keith,” I whisper, he looks at me. 

“Yeah?” 

“I love you.” 

His eyes widen and his face turns red. “Lance, you can’t just, uh, jeez what are you trying to do to me?” 

I laugh and close my eyes. “See you in a bit.” 

He sighs. 

I drift off underneath his gaze. 

**

“Lance, hey, wake up.” I hear his soft voice in my ear.

I open my eyes. My vision is fuzzy and heavy, but I see him, he’s really close, his breath tickles my skin as he speaks. “It’s night, the sky looks amazing today.” He sounds so excited. 

“Oh,” I yawn and sit up. 

He runs out and comes around to open my door for me. I drape the blanket around my shoulders and climb out slowly, my limbs still feeling tired from the seriously amazing nap I just had. He hoists himself onto the roof of the car, I look up at him blankly. 

“C’mon, the view is best from up here.” He extends his hand towards me, I take it carefully and pull myself up. When my eyes hit the stars, I’m immediately transfixed. They sparkle across the sky in clusters, illuminating the night around us. Their light reflects off of the city below, making the view even more beautiful and spectacular. 

“Holy shit.” I whisper. The moon is directly above us, basking it’s light down over our bodies. I’ve never seen it this big before, it’s fucking amazing from here. “Dude this is crazy.” I stand up and gaze in awe. 

“I try to come up here every day just for this.” He speaks softly. “I feel like I’m the only person in the world when I’m sitting here.” 

“Yeah,” I sit down again and drape a part of the blanket around his shoulders, he looks cold. 

“This is the last thing I want to see before I die.” 

I look at him and he smiles at me. “You underneath these stars, I wouldn’t trade this view for anything.” 

I blush. “I-It’s not that nice.” 

He puts his forehead against mine again. “It’s beautiful, trust me.” 

My heartbeat speeds up as our eyes meet. 

“Can I kiss you?” He whispers. 

“U-Uh, wait, do you have your phone?” 

“Yeah, why?” 

“Remember? The moment you told me, us kissing underneath the stars, your hands in my hair, and our song, our song has to be playing.” I say. 

“I’m actually so happy you remembered.” He smiles and pulls his phone out of his pocket, “For Him” starts playing from the speakers. 

“OK.” I breathe. 

“Can I-” I cut him off and kiss him, taking in the taste of his lips, treasuring every last feeling of this moment. When I pull away he’s panting loudly, his eyes sparkling and wild. He pulls me back and the kiss becomes deeper and more urgent, I feel his tongue and his hands in my hair, roaming carefully. 

“Mm,” I close my eyes and he pulls away slightly, breathing hard. 

“I don’t think I can just kiss you tonight.” He whispers. 

I blink. “What?” 

He kisses my neck and I close my eyes again. “We forgot part of the moment, I’m trying to taste every last bit of you, I’m trying to feel every last part of you.” 

I bite my lip. “I-I remember that, but um, don’t you think it’s a little bit too early?”

He laughs, leaning his forehead against my chest. “Ha, you’re right, sorry...I’m just a little impatient. But, we can take it slow. I’ll wait for you.”

I smile and lift his chin so that our eyes meet again. My lips meet his softly and he closes his eyes, pulling me down on top of him. The blanket shields us from the cold, our song plays in the background, and the stars sparkle above us. 

“I wish we could stay in this moment forever.” He whispers against my lips. 

I giggle. “So do I.” 

Our kiss carries us through the galaxy.


	15. Shade Fifteen

Keith takes us back to a hotel near the lookout where we can sleep for the rest of the night. It seems like he’s a regular here, considering how formal he was with the man who owned the place. It was almost like they were father and son or something, but even after I asked he still never said much about him. I guess he wasn’t comfortable sharing so much information; as usual. 

When we reach the room he immediately puts up a fort of blankets and pillows in between us, so that when I sleep beside him I won’t feel obligated or uncomfortable. I wanted to argue back, say that it didn’t matter, that I wanted to be close with him when I slept, but by the look on his face I could tell he wasn’t so sure about the idea either. So I eventually caved in. Ugh, why is he so confusing sometimes? Just a few hours ago he pretty much wanted to have sex with me, did I ruin the moment by saying it was too early? I sigh, well it was, I wasn’t lying. We just saw each other today, it’s not realistic. 

He lies down on his side of the bed and turns his back to me, pretty much cutting off anymore communication between us. My stomach sinks, I guess he’s not really a nighttime person. I lie down and turn away from him too, listening to his breathing. He sounds like he’s asleep already, but I can’t fall asleep to save my life. 

My head is crowded with too many thoughts. Like what the hell am I going to do after this? Where am I going to go? What are Carmen and Emil doing right now? Is Emil still crying? Is my mom still worried? What about Hunk and Katie? They’re probably wondering where I am too. Am I just going to run away for the rest of my life because I’m scared? But it’s not like I don’t have a legitimate reason to. If I go back home, I’m going to have to completely change my sexuality for my dad’s liking. Pretending to be someone I’m not, being involved with someone I don’t even know, all while suffering because of my parent’s constant arguing. 

I can’t do it. I keep telling myself that, but-I glance over at Keith- I’m not sure how long I can do this either. Running around, trying to forget all of the shit that’s happening in my life with someone I barely know and claim to love? No, I know I do love him; but this isn’t right. If I’m going to do anything, I can’t do it with him. I can’t just drag him around even if he wants me to. That’s so wrong. I know he’s trying to escape, but he has a life too, he has a future. 

I just don’t see myself being in it. 

What I’m doing right now is even more unrealistic than having sex on our first encounter. I was just blindsided by the fact that I could finally get to see him and have him in my life. But after this Honeymoon stage is over; where does that leave us? He mentioned that he would want to come with me wherever I’m going, but I don’t even know where I’m going. I have no fucking idea what I’m doing. 

I’m trapped.  
I sit up, suddenly feeling nauseous and go into the washroom. I sit on the toilet, putting my face in my hands. Shit, no, no, no, I haven’t had a panic attack in so long, why now, why now? 

I take in a deep breath, just like my mom told me, and release it slowly. My mom. She’s probably freaking out right now. God, I’m so fucking selfish. She doesn’t need this bullshit right now, but I don’t know what else to do. 

I don’t even realize I’m crying until I feel the wetness on my fingers. I try to stifle my sobs but there’s no point, I’m breaking down right now and I can’t help it. 

A knock sounds on the door then, I quickly wipe my tears. Dammit Keith, I thought he was sleeping. “Y-Yeah?” I try to sound normal, but the words comes out more sounding like a croak. 

“Hey, are you OK?” His voice is soft and reassuring, it puts me at ease but only a little bit. 

“I-I’m fine, please go back to bed.” I squeeze my eyes closed, hoping that he’ll listen and leave me alone. 

“You don’t sound fine Lance.” 

“Yeah, no shit, but it’s OK, I can deal with it, so please go back to sleep Keith.” 

He opens the door and I glare at him. 

“What the hell, are you deaf or something-” He pulls me towards him and hugs me tightly. I clench my teeth, trying to push him away, but he doesn’t let go. “Keith, seriously, stop!” I pound my fists against his chest, but he doesn’t budge. Just takes my hands in his and puts them down by my side, stopping me from hitting him. 

“I-I said stop,” But it’s no use, I don’t have the energy. I close my eyes and let the tears fall out, feeling defeated, helpless, pathetic, useless. Any shitty thing you can name, that’s how I feel right now. His arms tighten around me and he puts his face in the crook of my neck. 

“Sometimes when I have panic attacks, I just need someone to hug me.” He whispers, his lips brushing against my skin. 

I don’t say anything, just wrap my arms around him and cry harder. 

He takes me back to bed a while later and tucks me in carefully, removing the barrier between us. My breath catches in my throat when I feel him behind me, pulling me closer to his chest. 

“Is this OK?” He asks softly, putting his lips on my neck again. 

“Y-Yeah.” I blush. 

“OK, get some sleep. I’m right here if you need anything.” 

“Mhm.” I feel his hands wrap around my waist, his fingers brushing against my stomach. It calms me down, but makes my head spin. I close my eyes, trying to relax and soon drift off. His body pressed against mine, sending me into a spiral of dreams and emotions. 

**

When morning comes, he’s sprawled out across the bed, practically kicking me off. He’s seriously a restless sleeper, no wonder he was trying to stay far away from me before. I think I got hit or kicked unintentionally about ten times last night. I laugh and sit up, looking down at him admiringly. 

His mouth is hanging open and his hair looks like a bird’s nest. I smile, watching him for a long time before my phone rings loudly from my bag. He groans as I climb out of bed and reach for it. 

“Hello?” I answer without looking and lie back down beside him. 

“LANCE WHAT THE HELL, WHERE ARE YOU, I’VE BEEN CALLING YOU ALL NIGHT WHY THE HELL ARE YOU JUST PICKING UP NOW YOU IDIOT, ARE YOU DEAF OR SOMETHING? DO YOU NEED YOUR EARS CHECKED?” Katie’s voice hollers into the speaker, I move it away from my ear quickly so I actually don’t get deaf. 

I bring it back slowly. “Sorry-” 

“Give me the phone.” I hear Hunk in the background; shit. 

“Lance.” His voice is even. 

“Uh yeah?” 

“I SWEAR TO GOD WHENEVER I SEE YOU AGAIN I’M GOING TO KICK YOUR ASS INTO THE SKY, WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU.” 

Keith groans again, stirring in his sleep. 

“Hey, hey calm down alright? I know you guys are worried, but um, I’m fine OK?” I reply. 

“FINE? IF YOU’RE FINE THEN WHERE ARE YOU?” Katie screams in the back. 

“Jesus Katie stop shouting!” 

“Then tell us where you are! Do you know your mom came to my house last night, said that you’d come home without them knowing, and then you were just gone. What the hell did you do, run away? I thought I said it was OK for you to stay at my house for a little bit.” She hisses. 

“What’s even going on?” Hunk presses. 

“You know, I really don’t know anymore, so Lance, why don’t you tell us what’s going on, because I’m seriously confused now.” 

I sit up. “To be honest, I don’t exactly know either. But, I’m going to figure it out. I just want a few more days, a few more days to be with him.” As we slept together last night, I realized that I didn’t want to leave Keith so soon. I decided that I’d spend some more time with him, have more moments together, but then after that-

“A few more days to be with who? Oh shit. Oh shit, oh my god, I was absent for like a day and now you’ve met and married your internet boyfriend, I’m shook Lance, I’m seriously shook.” She replies in disbelief. 

“What? Married to his internet boyfriend? WHAT?” Hunk freaks out. 

I laugh. “I’ll be back soon guys, just give me a bit more time. And I promise I’m fine OK?” 

“Ugh, you know I don’t believe you, but I guess I’ll have to take your word for it.” 

“OK, and um, I guess you can tell Hunk what’s going on. I think he deserves to know now.” 

“Yeah, I’ll tell him right after he stops screaming, Hunk shut up!” She snaps. 

“Oh, and if my mom asks about me, please just make up something. I can’t have her or my dad knowing what I’m doing.” 

“Geez, fine. Mmm, I swear to god Lance, you owe me, you own me so bad right now. Oh, and remember to stay safe when having sex OK? This is serious business.” 

I blush. “Katie!” 

“Ha ha, see you dork!” She hangs up quickly. 

I sigh and hang up too, shaking my head slowly. Why are my friends so crazy? But seriously, I don’t know what I’d do without them. I glance at Keith who’s eyes are now open and staring up at the ceiling. 

“Did I wake you up?” I ask nervously. 

“Yeah, but it’s fine.” He yawns. 

“OK.” I bite my lip, “um, can we go somewhere today?” 

He looks at me. “Yeah sure, where do you wanna go?” 

“There’s a beach nearby I used to go to when it was only me, my mom and my dad before my brother and sister were born. I want to see it again, just remember what it looks like.” I close my eyes and try to picture it, but the memory is fuzzy. 

“Yeah, of course. I love beaches.” A soft look comes across his face, almost like he has a fond memory too. 

I kiss him lightly on the cheek and he blushes. “OK, let’s go then.”


	16. Shade Sixteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the late upload!

We drive for a while then stop at a gas station, there’s a convenience store nearby. As he fills up I go inside and look around, mainly wanting to find cigarettes. It seems like I crave them more than usual, makes me feel pretty ashamed, but I forgot my old pack at home, need them to relieve my stress. 

I find where they are and reach to take a pack, but Keith suddenly appears, putting his hand on mine to stop me.

“What are you doing?” He asks me seriously. 

“I, um, nothing.” I glance at him. “I didn’t think you cared.” 

“Of course I care, you think I like watching you kill yourself slowly or something?” He walks towards the counter and pays for the gas, then takes my hand and we leave. “Are you hungry?” 

“Not really.” I’m actually starving but I feel like I shouldn’t say anything. I let go of his hand when we climb into the car. 

We drive in silence to the beach. As we get closer, I notice people and rides set up along the pier. My heart lifts. “Holy shit, they’re having that carnival right now, I completely forgot!” 

He glances at me. “What carnival?” 

“They have one on this beach every year, I’d been a few times when I was younger, but I haven’t gone in so long.” I smile at him. “Wanna go?” 

“Uh yeah, sure, why not.” 

He parks the car a few moments later in the busy parking lot. I climb out onto the pavement and breathe in the salty, warm atmosphere. I can smell popcorn and cotton candy, hear people laughing and talking, and the waves crashing in the crystal blue ocean. The feeling is nostalgic; I missed this place so much. 

I grab Keith’s hand again and drag him into the movement of the crowd. I see little kids walking around with large teddy bears clutched in their hands as they move past me, I watch them quietly. 

“Do you want one?” He asks then. 

“No, I’m gonna win you one.” I grin and we walk over to the booth by the end of the pier. He stands back and watches as I clear the game easily, aiming the water gun at all five targets with no effort, and get one of the bears. I turn and hand it to him. 

“Thanks.” He smiles softly. I decide right then and there that I always want to see him smiling. 

We walk around some more, playing the games, trying the food, and buying souvenirs. I want as much as possible to remember this day; I don’t want to forget anything that I do with him. Even though I want this to last forever, I know that deep down it won’t. We have to both be eventually prepared for that fact. 

Time flies.By the time we know it, the sun is setting and people are starting to clear the area. We make our way down to the shore and sit down on the sand.

I tuck my knees to my chest as we watch the sun set over the horizon, colours of orange and magenta paint across the sky as it disappears behind the water. I look at Keith. Even though we’d just properly met each other yesterday, it feels like I’ve known him my whole life. Like we’ve been close forever. 

“Want to go for a swim?” I ask. 

“You sure? It’s kinda dark.” He laughs, staring down at his teddy bear admiringly. 

“It’s fine,” I stand up and pull my shirt off, “gotta take risks sometimes right?” 

He watches me as I wade into the water and swim out. I watch as he follows behind slowly.

“So what memories do you have here?” I ask curiously, bobbing in the water. 

“Not many from here, but from another beach. I used to go a lot with my family too, mainly Shiro. He’d take me down on his free time and we’d make sandcastles and swim, it was really nice.” The same soft expression from this morning flutters onto his face as he stares out at the darkening sky. 

I smile. “I don’t know much about your relationship, but I can tell you really love him.” 

He looks back at me, a sudden cold gaze in his eyes. “I did love him, but then he abandoned me like everyone else.” 

I don’t say anything back, just think about Emil. If I don’t go back home and leave him behind, won’t he have the same mind-set as Keith when he’s older? But- “What if he had his reasons to leave you though, just so that he could live a better life?” 

Keith smirks, looking hysterical. “That’s bullshit. He always told me, that no matter what, he’d always be by my side. Then our parents died, and it’s like that promise meant nothing anymore. Like I meant nothing to him. I was just something to be disposed of and given to someone else. His own fucking brother.” 

 

“Oh.” I glance down at my hands underneath the surface of the water, they’re trembling. I can’t shake this guilt no matter what I do.But I just need a little bit longer, and then maybe I can try to figure something out. But what if I can’t? The worries from last night swirl back into my mind. This is bullshit, why can’t I stop thinking about any of this? Why can’t I just be happy for five seconds? Why is it always about something else other than myself? 

I just want to live in the moment for once, not worry about anyone else but me. I’m tired of thinking. I make eye contact with Keith again. Last night, when we’d kissed on his car, that was the only time my mind was actually blank, that I was free. I want to feel like that again. 

I swim forward towards him and wrap my arms around his neck slowly, closing the space between us. 

“What are you doing?” He sounds flustered. 

“Are you seriously asking me that?” I laugh. 

“Sorry,” He blushes, “that was just kind of random.” 

I kiss him softly, but the thoughts don’t leave, my life still torments me. I kiss him harder, grasping his hair in my hand. Our chests press against each other, his skin feels like fire on mine, but he feels unsure as he kisses back. I slip my hand into the water and trace his waist slowly, my lips travelling down to his neck. My fingers brush closer to his pelvis and he tenses, putting his hand on mine. 

“Lance.” He pulls away. 

“What?” 

“I don’t get what you’re doing.” 

I step back. “I’m just kissing you, what’s the problem?” 

He shakes his head. “This feels forced, just yesterday you were so against going any further-”

“Yeah, well you seemed perfectly fine with it, so what’s the fucking issue?” 

He watches me, eyes burning holes through my skin. “What’s your problem?” 

I look away, suddenly feeling vulnerable. “Nothing.” 

We stand in the water for a long time, the water suddenly turning cold and harsh against my skin. I clench my fists. 

“What the hell do you want from me Keith?” It came out unintentionally, but it was something I was wondering for a long time. What did anyone want from me? Why did my dad want me to be straight? Why did my brother and sister look to me for the help they needed, like I knew anything. Why did I feel so pressured to leave everything behind, even though it all just followed me in the end? Why did I run away with him even though we’d have to go our separate ways eventually? Why was all of this shit happening? Why couldn’t I stop thinking about it? 

What the fuck did the world want from me? 

I just wanted to sink into the ocean, disappear forever. It’d be better if I was just gone, could relieve myself from all of this stress and worry. I’m so done with all of it. 

He blinks at me. “I don’t get what you’re saying.” 

“Just forget it.” There’s no use in explaining, because in all honesty I can’t. I try to swim off but he grabs my arm. 

“Don’t push me away.” 

I shove him back. “Don’t touch me.” 

He takes my hand again, but more carefully. “Did you forget? You promised me that you’d never push me away Lance, you promised. Tell me what’s wrong.” 

“You know what’s wrong!” I shout back, slapping his hand away. “I just need some space to clear my head, just leave me alone, Jesus.” 

Tears blur my eyes as I swim out back onto the shore and pull back on my shirt. I’m soaked and cold, guess I should have thought this idea through better. I hear Keith come up behind me and pull his shirt back on too, then pick up his bear from the sand. 

“You ready to go?” He asks, his voice is hard. 

I wrap my arms around myself and close my eyes. “No, I’ll stay here.” 

“What?” 

“I just want to stay here, you can go.” I whisper. 

“Lance, are you joking? I’m not just gonna drive off and leave you here.” He replies sternly. 

I clench my teeth. “I’ll find somewhere to stay dammit, just go.” 

He steps forward. “Why the hell are you acting like this all of a sudden? Like I’m your fucking enemy?” 

“I just need some space alright! Get away from me!” It feels like my head is going to explode, even with him around. Unlike last night my anxiety isn’t going away, it’s just getting worse. 

His jaw tenses. “Why are you doing this?” 

I ignore him and sit down, shivering. 

After a long time, he leaves. I release a long sigh of relief and put my head on my knees, closing my eyes, trying to control everything. My heart jumps when I feel a blanket suddenly being draped around my shoulders. I watch blankly as he goes to sit on the boardwalk, staring out silently at the moon that was now glistening over the water. 

“Why would you stay after all this?” I cry softly to myself. 

It makes it harder for me to leave him.


	17. Shade Seventeen

When I awake the next morning I’m back in the hotel room. Whatever happened after I had my panic attack on the beach is a blur, but I’m in a new change of dry clothes and tucked comfortably underneath the warm comforters. I’ve never felt so relaxed before, feels almost like I’m back at home in my own bed again. 

I turn and notice Keith sitting at the edge of the bed, his back facing me. The argument is still fresh in my mind and I feel embarrassed and stupid thinking about it. I’m so screwed up right now, but I shouldn’t have taken my anger out on him. I love Keith, I don’t want to hurt him or make him feel conflicted about whatever I’m going through. He seems like the type of person to stress or think about everything too much, so I can’t even imagine how he’s handling all of this. 

“Keith.” I speak up and he looks back at me, an off look in his eyes. 

“Morning.” He looks away again. 

I sit up, running a hand through my hair. “Are you OK?” 

“Mhm.” There’s something guarded about him, like he’s blocking me off. I hug him carefully from behind and he tenses from my touch. 

“Are you sure you’re OK?” I ask again. 

He takes in a long breath, tilting his head up towards the ceiling. “We’ve been together like this for two days right?”

“Yeah, I’m pretty sure; why?” 

A broken smile comes across his face then. “How much longer do you think we can go?” 

I freeze. “What?” 

“I think we should end this here Lance.” 

My body turns rigid, I pull away from him. “W-What the hell are you talking about?” 

He turns back to look at me, our eyes locking. “Are you happy right now?” 

The question catches me off guard, but I know my answer. “Yes, of course, I’m with you. Something that I’ve wanted for so long.” 

“I know that, but, where we are right now? Are you really happy Lance? Y-You’re running away from everything and it’s killing you, but you’re just using me as a means to not go back and face it-”  
“Using you? You think I’m using you?” I snap angrily. 

“Outside all of this Lance, we have this fucked up world that we’re both trying to escape from. But we can’t do it. We’re trying to enclose ourselves into this magical world that has no problems and is just perfect, sheltering us from all of our problems. Except that world doesn’t exist, are lives are not how we want them to be. You’re trying to pretend like everything’s OK Lance, but it’s not, for the past two days I’ve seen that.” He speaks, voice tense and threatening to break. “I-If we’re together, I don’t want it to just be because we’re trying to escape. I want to be free and happy with you. I don’t want you to leave me, but we can’t do this anymore Lance. I don’t want this for us.” 

I clench my fists. He’s saying all of the things I knew, all of the reasons why I was thinking of leaving him eventually too. But now that he’s the one giving me the blow, it’s like I can’t accept it. “What do you want for us then Keith? For me to just leave you here and go back home, date some girl and never talk to you again?” 

He shook his head. “Maybe sometime in the future, when we have everything together-” 

“Sometime in the future? If I leave now, there’s no coming back in the future! What future do we have!” I shout. 

“What do we have right now Lance!” He yells back. I’ve never heard him raise his voice like this before, only once. “We have nothing! We’re just two broken people who don’t know what the hell they want or are doing with their lives! If we keep running around like this, where will that bring us? You’re just going to become more hurt and conflicted, and I can’t sit around and watch you fall apart like that! I can’t! It kills me to see you like this!” 

Tears stream down his cheeks. “God, I don’t want this end, you have no idea how much I don’t want things to end between us. But if you love me, and if you love yourself, you’ll do what you know is right. Y-You’ll go back home and live your life, do what you have to do to get better. No matter what, don’t let anyone change you, fight for what you want and believe in, get stronger, and when you feel it’s right, somehow, someway, come back to me OK? You need to face your demons Lance, I can’t fight them away for you anymore, it’s not working.” 

I start crying now. “But I-I don’t want to leave you.” 

He wipes my tears with a shaky hand. “I know, but I have to get better too. I want to be with you when the time is completely right, I want to love you the best that I can. But right now, I can’t do that, none of us can. We need to face our realities” 

I sob and he puts his forehead against mine, closing his eyes. We sit like that for a long time, no one moving, no one breathing, no one thinking. 

“I’m really glad that I met you.” He whispers then. “Now I won’t have to suffer as long waiting for you, because I already know what this amazing experience feels like, how fortunate I was to have the chance to be in your presence. Even if it was short, I’m so happy I could spend these few days with you Lance.”

“If it wasn’t for you, I don’t think I’d even be sitting here right now.” I sniff. 

“Yeah, me too. So many times, I contemplated ending my life, felt like I had nothing left to live for. Everyday was a constant struggle and pain for me after my parents died, and then Shiro left me behind too; I was so fucking broken.” He kissed me softly on the lips. “But then, you responded back to my message that day, my cry for help; and you saved my life Lance. Thank you so much for everything, I won’t take any of it for granted.” 

I cup his face in my hands and kiss him harder. It wasn’t gentle or rushed like last time, but desperate, a craving. Our lips turn numb as they fumble over each other, trying to take in every last taste before we’re pulled apart by the inevitable that’s been chasing us this whole time. I close my eyes as he kisses my neck, his fingers tracing gently across my torso and stroking my chest. We pull off each other’s clothes, our bodies suffering for a connection that’s been broken for so long. My skin is on fire as he kisses every part of me and I kiss him back, hands clasped tightly in his hair. The feeling is euphoric as he enters inside of me slowly and thrusts. I hold onto him, my body erupting in pleasure as he pushes further. 

I hold in more tears as we reach our climaxes together, bodies giving each other life and an intense love. He huffs softly as he pushes me back down onto the bed, kissing my neck gently, then presses his cheek against my chest and closes his eyes. 

I run my hands carefully through his hair and stare up at the ceiling, wishing over and over again that I never have to leave this moment and we can stay together forever without being separated. But the magic eventually fades and we have to break apart. The space between us is unbearable as we pull back on our clothes, leave the room and our perfect, shattered world behind. 

I can’t help but cry as he drives, confirming the fact that this is truly over. He takes my hand in his, kissing it softly. 

“Sh, don’t cry.” He whispers. 

But his words just make me sob harder. My phone rings suddenly then, cutting through the pain but only by a little bit. I pick it up slowly. 

“Hello?” I croak.

“Lance? Are you OK?” It’s Katie. 

I shake my head. “Y-Yeah, I-Im fine. But what is it? Why’re you calling me?” 

“Because,” She speaks carefully, “your mom; she’s having her baby.”


	18. Shade Eighteen

Keith drives me quickly to the hospital. 

“Come with me.” I tell him after we reach the parking lot and I climb out of the car. 

He looks up at me in surprise. “Are you sure?” 

“Yes.” I grab his hand and we run in, racing towards the waiting room. I see Emil and Carmen first, they’re sitting together by the receptionist’s desk reading a picture book. Emil looks up, when he sees me he jumps from his chair and races forward, wrapping his small arms around my waist. 

I pick him up carefully and he starts crying, making my heart sink. It’s like I only realize now just how much I missed him, just how much I needed my little brother in my arms. I can feel the pain that’s been eating away inside of me slowly subsiding, it feels so good. I look to Carmen who walks over slowly. 

She takes my free hand gently and I smile softly at her. “Where’s dad?” 

“He’s with mommy.” She speaks softly, glancing up at Keith who’s been watching the reunion in silence. “Who’s that?” 

I look over and our eyes lock. We may be separating for now and our time together is coming to an end, but I’ll never look at him as anything else but someone I love. He’s my one and only, and even through all of the obstacles that still have yet to come my way, I’ll never doubt or forget how I feel about him. He told me to stay true to myself and that’s what I’m doing right now, that’s what I’ll always do. “That’s Keith, my boyfriend.” I say, smiling widely at him. 

He blushes and looks down at his feet in embarrassment. Emil giggles. “Your boyfriend has weird hair.”

“Emil.” I warn, but can’t help but laugh along with him because it’s really true.

My dad walks into the waiting room then. “Carmen, Emil-” He sees us standing together and a shocked expression comes across his face. 

Keith stands closer to me but I shake my head, if I don’t face him now, I’m never going to be able to. I set Emil down and walk towards him, he gives me a hard look. “Who is that with you?” 

I take in a long breath. “That’s my boyfriend.” 

He looks like I’ve just slapped him in the face. “You’re gone for two days and now you’re sleeping around with guys-”

“I know you don’t approve of who I am dad,” I interrupt him, “But I love him OK? And it’s either you accept that or you don’t. I just came here to see mom, OK, I’m not here to argue.” 

“You have no right to see your mother after what you’ve done to us! Disgracing our entire family!” He shoves past me towards Keith, grabbing his shirt angrily. “You stay away from my son you here! Keep your sins to yourself!” 

“Dad!” I push him away and stand in front of Keith. 

“Get out of here! Both of you! I don’t want you in my sight!” He yells. 

I clench my fists. “I’m not leaving! This is my family, I’m not just going to abandon them and run away just because you want me to! This is my life and I’m allowed to do whatever the hell I want with it!” 

“Excuse me.” The lady at the front desk stands then, her voice even. “You guys are causing an inappropriate commotion, if it continues, I will have to ask security to escort you out.” 

My dad and I stare each other down for a long time, waiting for someone to make a move. He shifts first, taking Emil and Carmen’s hands forcefully. “You can do whatever you want, but I’ll never look at you as my son again.” 

His words hit me like a bullet to the chest. I shake as he walks away, leading them to her room. Keith puts his hand on my shoulder. “Come outside with me OK? Just to cool down.” He whispers. I try to hold back tears as he takes my hand and we leave the hospital towards his car. 

“I-I don’t know what to do.” I tremble. 

He hugs me. “Don’t worry, you’ve done enough. You stood up for yourself, that’s all that matters. If he doesn’t want you in his life, then so be it. But you didn’t come here for him, you came here for your mom, to see your siblings. So go back in there with that mindset OK? Don’t even acknowledge him, it’s about the people that matter to you now.” 

I sniff, burying my face into his neck. “O-OK.” 

He pulls away, putting a hand on my cheek. “I don’t think it’ll help if I’m there, this is something you have to do alone.” 

“You’re right.” I take his hand, holding onto it tightly. “So this is it? After this, we’ll wait for each other right?” 

“Mhm, it doesn’t end here.” He says softly. 

“I love you.” 

“I love you too.” 

I give him one last kiss, our lips lingering before I force myself to pull away. We don’t say goodbye to each other, because this isn’t good-bye, this is a new beginning for the both of us. He climbs into his car, starts the engine, then drives away. The memories of our kiss, our words, our messages, and all of our emotions floating along with him. 

When everything completely disappears, I go back into the hospital, ask for my mom’s room and I go, not waiting for anything. She’s holding the baby in her arms and breastfeeding when I go in. My dad’s gaze is cold, but hers is warm, happy to see me again. 

She extends her hand forward and pulls me closer to stand by Emil and Carmen who are watching the baby in admiration. 

“Her name’s Violet.” She whispers. I look down at her, she’s so tiny, hands are clasped into small fists, eyes closed tightly. I can’t help but smile as I touch her carefully and she curls her tiny fingers around mine, pulling slightly. 

My mom looks up at me, putting a hand on my cheek carefully. “I’m so sorry Lance.” She whispers. “We’ve decided, after this, your father and I; we’re separating. I-It’s time that we become happy again, Violet deserves that at least.” 

I put my hand on hers, giving it a tight squeeze. “It’s OK, I understand.” 

She looks back over at my dad, her eyes firm now. “No matter what, from the start we said that we’d love and accept our children with everything we have. You can take your time, but eventually you’re going to have to fulfil that promise. In the end, all we have is each other, who we want to be in our lives should not change that. You are his father, so treat him like your son.” 

He doesn’t say anything back. I knew it wouldn’t be that easy, he was going to take a long time to accept me. But I’m happy that I can at least be back here with them again, that I don’t have to hide who I really am anymore, that I’m not scared. For once in a long time, we finally feel like a family again. We’ve finally come to a point in our lives where we know what we truly want and need to be happy, we aren’t trying to run from our problems anymore by hiding behind something that isn’t real. 

If it wasn’t for that, trying to stay true to myself, I would have still been hiding behind my username and I would have never met Keith face to face. Someone who was hiding as well, because they were afraid that I wouldn’t accept their true self. But once you realize that in the end love is all that matters and only your true colours are valid, nothing else is important. You could be the most beautiful person on the planet, an outsider, gay, straight, if the people that you love in your life accept you for you are, even if it takes them a long time, you are where you should be in your life. You have something truly valuable that you should never let go of. 

If you have amazing friends who’d do anything to keep you happy and a partner who loves you so much that they’d force themselves to give you space to grow, allow themselves to mature and get better so that they can love you unconditionally. You have something truly special that you should never, ever let go of. 

From the start Keith was the one for me, and that’s the greatest part of life. Sometimes the most unexpected things, the last person you could ever think of on Earth, could truly be the right one for you. Together you have this amazing bond and special connection that makes your world so full of life and colour even if it’s just for a split second. You go through so many experiences emotionally and physically that gives you something you could never imagine. One, as a whole, together, me and him, blue and red, we created purple. Our colour of love. 

**

I walk to Katie’s house after, intent on thanking her for everything and just wanting to see her again. When she opens the door she gasps loudly and hugs me.

“I haven’t seen you for two days but it felt like a million years!” She sighs in relief. 

“Is that Lance?” I hear Hunk shout from the living room. He barrels forward and shoves Katie out of the way, who practically goes flying, and hugs me so tightly I feel like I can’t breathe. 

“Ow!” I cringe after he punches me hard in the shoulder. 

“I thought you were kidnapped!” 

“We literally talked yesterday!”

Katie bursts out laughing. “Hey, come inside, we’re playing video games.” 

She beckons me in and I rub my arm, glaring at Hunk. 

“You better tell me everything. Who is your internet boyfriend, oh! And how’s your mom doing? Are you actually married? Can I see your ring?” Hunk blasts me with questions. 

I groan and collapse onto the couch in exhaustion. “I’ll tell you everything, but you need to slow down with the questions dude.” 

He laughs. “OK, OK, sorry.” 

“You can answer his questions later, but right now we’re in the middle of a match. Hunk, pay attention, there’s a newb up there in the castle trying to shoot at us! And is he using a revolver? What a fucking amateur.” Katie hisses, officially back into game mode. 

I smile, watching them happily. We hadn’t even been apart for that long, but I missed this so much. Just being with them and not worrying about anything, no words can express how much I love these two. 

I grab a controller. “Hey, do you guys mind if I join?” 

She glances at me. “Ah, sorry Lance, I love you, but we can’t have any low rank players on our team right now.” 

“What? Hey Hunk, can I play? Please?” 

He gives a small shrug. “Sorry, I’m kinda on Katie’s side here. We actually want to win the match, not lose it.” 

I give them a flat look. 

OK, I take everything back; I hate my friends.


	19. Shade Nineteen

A little after Violet’s second birthday, my parents filed for divorce from each other. It was tough coming to terms with the fact that they were truly separating, but in the end it was for the best. They weren’t happy with each other, and no matter what, I wanted to see both of them truly happy again. 

It’s been about two years since then, Violet is four, Emil’s going into eighth grade and Carmen’s just entered high school. I’ve recently graduated university, got my own apartment, and I’ve started applying to a few jobs here and there. 

But even after all this time, my relationship with my dad is still pretty rocky. We don’t really talk that much anymore, but I still try to contact him every once in awhile. My mom actually got recently married again to a man named Cameron, the way she smiles and looks at him like he’s the only man in the world, I don’t think I’ve ever seen her be so free before. I’m so glad that she’s finally found the one and I hope my dad can someday too. 

After Keith and I separated at the hospital, he never came back to school. Everyday I’d look around the halls just to see if I could catch a glimpse of him or see him in Chemistry, but he never came back. It sparked a few rumours, why he’d just dropped out of school all of a sudden. Some of the accusations were crazy, but I knew the real truth. He just went off to find himself, maybe make amends with Shiro hopefully. I was always tempted to contact him on UniverseChat, ask how he was doing, but something always stopped me. We agreed to contact each other again when we were both better, when we were both ready. I just had to wait a little bit longer, but it was hard. 

When I told Katie and Hunk about him, they were pretty surprised because they thought I’d hated him. But I told them that it was because I didn’t know who he truly was, literally and figuratively. In the end, it wouldn’t have mattered how I felt about him before; because he was always the one I was in love with. 

I’m still really close with the both of them now, we talk almost every other week. But we’ve all matured and gone our separate ways, even then though, they’ll always be special to me. Although, sometimes I think back to how I acted in high school and I wonder how they even managed to put up with me. But that just goes to show how fucking amazing they are. 

I smile thinking back to them as I come inside after a long shift at work, something I’ve been trying to uphold until I get hired at a legitimate job somewhere else. It’s exhausting, no one told me how truly difficult life after school would be. But I’ve managed to stay strong amidst everything, and I think it’s safe to say that I love myself so much more than I did then. I’m just happier, I don’t feel conflicted or lost, I just love where I am even though I’m alone. But that’s only because I know there’s someone waiting for me, and I’m waiting for him too. I don’t need anyone else. 

A sigh escapes my lips as I sit down, my body finally relaxing. I switch on the TV, watching in uninterest for a while before going to get my laptop. Surprisingly I barely use UniverseChat anymore, but I think it’s served it’s purpose. And I can’t really go on without feeling tempted to message him. I log on for the first time in forever and stare at his username, wondering if he’ll ever come back online. 

I rummage through our old conversations, cringing at most of the things I said, reading through a few of our arguments, and smiling at our sappy messages to each other. There’s a new feature it looks like to retrieve deleted messages from the chat. I click on it.

1redrebel: i wish i could tell u who i rlly am Lance

1redrebel: but i see the way u look at me at school. You look at me the exact same way everyone else does. I’m pathetic, violent, ignorant, lost. But i don’t know how else to act, because i don’t know who i am anymore.

1redrebel: one day when im stronger though, i’ll show u ok? Plz don’t leave me when i do, i don’t want to lose you...you’re the only good thing i have left in my life.

1redrebel: Lance, can I tell you something?

1redrebel: Lance?

1redrebel: Hey, are you OK? What happened?

1redrebel: …

1redrebel: u didn’t even log out or say good bye, what’s going on?

1redrebel: Lance

1redrebel: Lance it’s been a few hours, ik something’s wrong

1redrebel: you’re still online

1redrebel: did u forget to log out or something?

1redrebel: but ik you can see my messages, why aren't you replying?

1redrebel: fuck why am i even doing this

1redrebel: this is bullshit, im tired of hiding

1redrebel: i want to tell u everything

1redrebel: you finally accept me, i want you to know

1redrebel: what happened to you?

1redrebel: Lance, where are you?

I read the first three messages over and over, and everytime I do the pain gets worse. How was I so oblivious back then? I should have known he was trying to keep himself from me for my own good, because he thought that I would hate him if I found out. He was literally suffering with me the whole time. Trying to be someone he wasn’t, lying about who he was, he did it all for me. He did everything for me. And what did I do? Nothing. He’s made so many sacrifices for us, for the sake of our relationship. 

I want to see him again so badly, thank him, hold him, kiss him. It’s been four years, I’m ready to have him back. I move to type something, anything, but freeze when I see his username turn from red to green. 

He’s online. 

My heart feels like it might explode, but I don’t hesitate to message him. 

blu97: Keith 

I hold my breath. 

1redrebel: Lance 

1redrebel: meet me at the same restaurant

1redrebel: I’ll see you there

I’m out the door before I even have a chance to think. I trip over myself as I race to my car, fumbling with my keys to open it quickly. I race down the street, not caring if anyone sees, all I have is him on my mind, all I can see is him. 

He’s waiting outside the restaurant. It’s dark but the lights from the window and the lamps are settled softly on him, outlining his appearance. He’s grown slight stubble and cut off most of his hair, but I’m barely even focusing because I’m running too fast towards him. 

He catches me in his arms and we embrace tightly, the world feeling like it’s spinning in life and colour. Tears burn my eyes as I pull him closer even though all of the space between us is gone, he puts his face into the crook of my neck, kissing softly. 

“Long time no see.” He whispers against my skin. 

I pull away and kiss him hard, our lips fumbling over each other, sharing soft breaths. 

He takes my hand and steps back. “Let’s go back up to our spot, I want to talk to you.” 

“OK.” I don’t care where he takes me, I just want to go anywhere with him. We take his car and drive back up to the lookout where we shared our first kiss a few years back. The stars are still as spectacular as they were that night, even better now that I’m with him again. 

We climb onto the roof of the car, looking up at the sky quietly. 

“Did you found anyone else while I was gone?” He smirks. 

I slug him in the shoulder. “That’s not even funny, don’t say that. Of course I didn’t.” 

He laughs. 

“But,” I smile, “I did find myself. I’m a lot happier now, life is going pretty well.” 

“That’s good to hear.” 

“Well, what about you? What’d you do in the past four years?” I ask. 

“Got my own place out of town, travelled the world a lot. There’s so much shit to see and you don’t even realize until you’ve actually experienced it, it’s amazing.” His eyes sparkle as he looks up at the sky. “I think my favourite place that I went by far though has got to be France, it’s so beautiful there. I think you’d like it.” 

I chuckle softly. “I probably would, too bad I barely have anytime to go.” 

No one says anything for a long time, we just soak in the amazing feeling of being in each other’s company again. I lean my head against his shoulder and close my eyes. 

“I don’t think I’ve ever told you how grateful I am and how much you mean to me. You’ve done so much just to keep me happy and I cannot thank you enough Keith, thank you for every last thing that you’ve done.” I whisper. 

“You don’t have to thank me Lance,” He kisses my forehead lightly, “I’d do anything for you.” 

“I know, but seriously. I-I can’t even imagine how much you suffered having to see two sides of me like that. The one that loved you and the one that pretty much hated you. I was so pathetic back then, you didn’t deserve to be treated that way. I shouldn’t have just judged you because of what I saw and heard, I should have gotten to know you better and loved you for who you truly are.” I speak firmly now, hoping that every word I say gets across to him. “You never once hated me, even when I was one of the people who was treating you like shit. From the start you accepted me, and from the start I should have done that too. I love you so much Keith, you have no idea.” 

“Hey,” He looks directly at me, eyes serious. “You don’t need to feel sorry about anything OK? How I acted back then was just stupid and insane, I wouldn’t blame you for feeling obligated to dislike me. But that doesn’t matter, I was the way I was because my life was fucked up and I didn’t know how to handle it. Even if you thought the wrong way about me, you still fixed me Lance, you made me a better person, and that’s all I care about in the end.” 

I sigh. “Why are you so amazing? Seriously, is there like a secret to this?” 

“My only secret is my love for you.” He grins. 

“That was so cheesy but I’m actually having a heart attack right now, thanks.” 

“No problem.” 

My breath catches in my throat when he pushes me down, his lips quickly connecting with mine. They run down my neck, his hands urgently trying to undo my pants. I burst out laughing and he looks up at me, a flustered expression on his face. 

“Why are you laughing?” He asks, kissing me softly.

“Because,” I break away, “you’re so impatient, it’s hilarious.” 

“You’re really ruining the moment Lance.” 

“Sorry.” 

I kiss him now. “But should we really have sex on top of your car, what if we fall off.” 

He laughs and lies down against my chest. “OK, I’m imagining it and now the moment is officially ruined.” 

I smile, holding onto him tightly. 

“Hey, close your eyes for a second OK?” He whispers then. 

“Why?” 

“Just do it.”

“Fine.” 

He climbs off of me and goes back into the car. “You better not be peeking alright?” 

“My eyes are as closed as closed can be.” 

I feel him hop back up, the car shaking slightly. “OK so I was going to wait to do this, but, um, I decided-” 

“Can I open my eyes now?” I interrupt. 

He sighs. “Can you just wait a second? I’m trying to do a romantic speech here.” 

“Sorry.” 

“OK, uh, so I was going to wait to do this, but I decided that I couldn’t wait any longer for you to be mine.” He continues. 

“I’m already yours.” I shrug. 

“I know that, ugh, you know what never mind, just open your eyes Lance.”

“K.” I open them slowly and see him kneeling in front of me on one knee, trying his best to balance in the little room that we have left. He has a small box in his hands, a diamond ring sits inside, glinting softly in the starlight. 

“Ah, y-you’re probably not ready and I completely understand, but I just want you to know right now, that someday, um, I really want to marry you Lance.” He says, averting his eyes nervously. 

I start choking in shock.

He puts a hand on my shoulder, looking at me seriously. “Are you OK?” 

“Y-Yeah, I’m fine, just give me a second.” I take in a long breath. “OK, I think I’m good.” 

“Sorry for springing this on you, I just couldn’t wait. Been planning this for a while actually.” 

I look back down at the ring, trying to properly take in the fact that this is actually happening to me. Keith is watching me closely, and all I can think about is how amazing he’d look in a tuxedo, standing at the altar waiting for me. 

I haven’t even accepted the proposal and all I can think about is our wedding. 

My heart races in my chest as I extend a shaky hand forward. “Y-Yes.” I whisper. 

His eyes widen and he fumbles to take the ring out. “Holy shit, I didn’t think you’d actually say yes, I’m-” The box drops out of his hands and tumbles to the ground. “Shit, shit, fuck, no, no.” 

I double over laughing as he hops down and searches frantically for it. “OK it’s all good, I got it, thank god.” He scrambles back up and I extend my hand again, wiping tears from my laughing fit. 

“O-OK,” His hands shake as he slips the ring on carefully. 

I study it. “It’s really beautiful Keith, thank you.” 

“Mhm, no problem, sorry my heart is literally dying inside of me right now, I need to lie down for a second.” He breathes. 

I smile and pull him closer again, putting my cheek on his head. “I can’t believe we’re actually engaged, this is awesome.” 

He sighs. “Yeah.” 

“You don’t have to say I love you to say I love you.” I start singing softly, remembering the message that brought us together in the first place. 

“Oh God, we’re singing now, OK.” He clears his throat. “Forget all the shooting stars and all the silver moons.” 

“Oh my God, your voice is horrible.” I burst out laughing and he blushes. 

“Hey stop, you’re the one who started it in the first place.” 

“I know, I know, sorry. OK, let’s keep going.” 

“We’ve been making shades of purple out of red and blue.” We sing loudly in unison, belting out our horrible voices to the stars. 

“Sickeningly sweet like honey, don’t need money-” He cuts me off with a long kiss. 

I smile happily as he pulls me down once again. 

“All I need is you.”


End file.
